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no pressure By my standards, today was a success. My first step toward making it that way was avoiding my usual habit of spending money on my weekends by not even leaving the house. Quite often the weekend becomes a slightly mad spending spree for me where I buy various books and cds to entertain myself, but I didn't do that today. I realized that I have already have piles of both things scattered throughout my house that I have yet to fully appreciate. So rather than searching out new treasures, I rediscovered some of the books that I already own and have yet to read. Of course limiting my spending also helps me pad my savings for my European trip as much as I can. I also think that I go and spend money just to get out the house, but I didn't have any of those feelings today. Cabin fever was not a factor. Being able to look out the window at the melting snow was enough. I didn't need to venture out and be a part of the busy Monday and holiday routine. I wanted to shut out all of those distractions. I wanted everything to be calm so that I could focus on myself. So often a weekend is nothing more than a time to catch up on things that I didn't get done during the week and I wanted it to be more today. Somehow my life has started to revolve around my work schedule and that really isn't me. Oh, I know that I have to be there, but I need to keep doing other things outside of work that are important to me. For the past few weeks I have done little more than sleep when I haven't been at work and that has to change. Lately I have been feeling as though I am middle aged even though I don't have most of the responsibilities that come with being middle aged. I don't have a mortage or house payments. I don't have children to support yet my life is far from being one crazy adventure after the next. Somehow I have managed to suck all of the fun out of my life and I have become world weary much too soon and this really bothers me. Today I wanted to avoid all of those feelings and just relax and I think that I was successful. I kept debating if I wanted to acknowledge that today was Valentine's Day or not. For me it didn't really mean that much and I don't mean that in a cynical way either. I am just stating the truth. No one was expecting anything from me this year nor was I expecting anything from anyone else. I don't begrudge the people that put a lot of effort into today and wanted it to be something special, but I just saw it as another day without any pressure to make anyone happy but myself. Maybe that sounds a little self centered, but at the moment I am the most important person in my life and why should I not care about my own well being instead of searching out someone else to make happy.
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