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some human comfort Last night when I held out my bruised arms for Ann to see, she gently rubbed them with her hands. It wasn't something that I was expecting. At most I thought that she might coo or make some other sound of sympathy. Of course I didn't mind the extra attention. ... I tried to put into words all of the things that have been going through my mind for the past couple of days. I'm not sure whether or not I succeeded. Most of my thoughts have been centered around Ann. Now this may or may not be a good thing. The show on Tuesday night went well and I think that we both knew that we woud have to go out together again. She called it a date, but that word always struck me as being a bit silly. Seeing her breaks so many of these rules that I make for myself. First of all she is younger than me by almost nine years. Not only is she young but she works at the same place that I do. Finally she has a troubled past and sometimes that can haunt a person. Maybe all of these are silly selfish things that I shouldn't emphasize so much. Cliches. Rules. Feelings. Needs. Wants. Desire. Uncertainty. In Ann I see the good parts of past girlfriends. She has the artistic tendencies and computer knowledge of Darcy. She has the devotion to work and the need to support herself that Brenda had. She also has the playfulness of Tracy. Then somehow mixed in with all of those traits she adds more to make what is her. We flirt. We do childish goofy things. We stick our tongues out at one another. We make casual sexual remarks to one another. She was wearing a tee shirt with Asian lettering across the front. My guess would be that it was Chinese, but I'm not sure. When I asked her what it said, she replied in a serious voice that it said stop staring at my tits. Yes, I walked right into that one. Someone once told me or maybe I read it somewhere that a person keeps seeking out the same person over and over throughout their life until he or she finally finds the right person. This may or may not be true. I haven't made up my mind yet on that one. So far most of what I have said is very positive if not downright glowing. I might be at the beginning of a very healthy experience that could only get better and better in the future. Yet I am cautious. We have time. ... On Wednesday night she told me something that changed everything. She found out that she was pregnant. I was not the one that caused this to happen. It would appear that her last boyfriend still has a connection with her whether she wants one or not. When she told me, I didn't know what to say. Shocked would be too much of a cliche if not overly melodramnatic. What I will say is that it wasn't something that expected to hear her say that night. Then I take a step back and ask myself what do I really know about her. Before June she didn't even exist in my world. At first we just talked. Soon these became long multiple hour conversations where I got to know her better. She started with her past and moved forward to the present. There was her childhood in the south followed by her early marriage that produced two daughters who are with her ex-husband. Eventually we worked our way to the man that she met here who she was going to marry. At first it was wonderful, but then things started to fall apart until there was nothing left. A male coworker mentioned how much he loathed men who start seeing women after they breakup with someone and I briefly wondered if that was aimed at me. I don't mean any harm. I just thought that it would be nice to spend some more time with her. I'm not seventeen, nor am I twenty-five. I know that life is hard and doesn't follow a timetable except in the case of a pregnancy. Suddenly in nine months everything is more concrete. There will be more than just her and I. Two will be three. A future decision has become a present one. She asked me if I liked pregnant girls and I smirked. If I was the father then there wouldn't be any hestitation. Now however I have to ask myself what do I want to do next and that bothers me. On my ever changing timetable of life, marriage and or fatherhood were still a good five years into the future. I like to think that I do have some say in my destiny. The idea of not being able to control my fate has never appealed to me. To be honest I have truly enjoyed being single for the last two years of my life. Sex may have been largely absent most of that time, but I could focus on other things. My decisions were my own. I could be selfish and no one cared. No one got hurt except me. California, Canada and Europe were all mine to explore at my leisure. I had a decent paying job that kept moving ahead on a solid career path. Life was good. I didn't need a woman by my side. I was free to come and go as I pleased. I don't think that I even tried that hard to look for a girlfriend. True, my schedule did work against me, but I didn't care. ... Soon I started to let myself think that maybe I am missing something. I started to flirt again. I started to let myself wonder about Ann. Now here I am sounding more and more like a prick. Damn. She's pregnant. Time for me to walk away. There'll be another one waiting around the corner with less problems. Don't be so desperate. Don't settle. Have some fun. Screw around some more. Look he's taking pity on the single pregnant girl who just moved into the state six months ago. Oh, he'll drop her once she starts to get fat. They'll never last. Why is he dating her when he could meet some nice college girl and travel the world? He's so young. Why would he want to strap himself down? Couldn't he do better? He just wanted someone to fuck. Sigh. So many harsh brutal thoughts. So many possibilities to consider. Maybe the old boyfriend will wander back onto the scene a few months from now. A change of heart will take place. Maybe she'll move back to where some of her family lives. Maybe it's just infatuation. Maybe it's just lust. People love to talk. People love to gossip. ... I've dated divorced women in the past. I've lived with a woman and her child. I've changed diapers and paid for daycare. I've tried to discipline a child that wasn't mine. I've dealt with an ex-husband who called collect every time. I've been driven close to the edge of debt. I know that relaionships fail. I know that a having a child is stressful and all consuming. ... After having said everything above, I can't see myself not talking with Ann. She will be out of town for most of next week and all of these things will still be going through my mind.
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