|
monday morning spaghetti Cooking spaghetti at four in the morning is how I began my day. Actually I was awake shortly after two, but cooking was the first real productive thing that I did. Spaghetti is one of those meals that most people know how to make and love, but no two people seem to make it the same way. It has the same nebulous quality that the political phrase family values does. We think that we are talking about the same thing, but more than likely we aren't. Every so often, I'll watch a cooking program and one thing is always the same in all of them. I am amazed at the amount of preparation that these people take when they make their food. Cooking suddenly becomes an art that requires special tools and techniques. Somehow I doubt that the average person has anywhere near that amount of time to spare when it comes to food. ... The sun never made an appearance today. In fact the day was so dull and overcast that it put me to sleep. When I say put me to sleep, I mean it. I fell asleep early this afternoon and didn't get out of bed until almost midnight. Nearly ten hours passed before I crawled back out of bed. Maybe my body was trying to tell me something. ... A few things did tumble through my head before I drifted away. To pass the time I started to reevaluate my life like I usually do on my days off. First of all there is no way that I could ever have guessed that this is where I would be at thirty-one. Very little of my life has been planned that far in advance so I can't say as to whether or not I met my goals. Naturally this leads me to the next question. Am I happy? Simple question, but hard to answer. The quick response would be that some things could be better, but that doesn't really answer the question. I have my health. I have a job that pays reasonably well. My family cares about me. There is a small group of people that I can truly call my friends. So far all of this sounds positive, but at the same time there are some changes that I want to make soon. Third shift is starting to get old and I am fairly certain that this will be my last year of doing it. I don't regret having done it for the past few years. When I started it was something that I needed. The strange hours gave me a freedom of sorts and I am grateful for it. Maybe it might have interfered slightly with my social life, but I don't think that I was really trying that hard either. At the moment I don't have anything else lined up, but the real search won't begin until after I get back from Australia. Thirty-one. What is a person supposed to have at thirty-one? Am I supposed to be married? Am I supposed to be a father by now? Maybe. Most of the people who know me now don't know that there was a time five years ago when I was in a role that almost met that description. Five years ago I was living with my girlfriend and her son three year old. There was a car seat in my car. There was daycare. There were nights where he wouldn't go to sleep and I would get calls at work from my girlfriend telling me about it. There were collect calls from the former husband. There was confusion and stress. There were arguments and crying. It all seems so far away now, but I did live that life. What this means is that I get frustrated when people don't think that I could possibly understand anything about raising children. Just because I am single now doesn't mean that children are completely foreign to me. That was a part of my life at one time and it might be sometime in the future. I've not avoiding anything and hearing people make snap judgments about me irritates me to no end. ... Romance, a girlfriend. Honestly I can't see myself dating someone. It's been so long since I have had some woman think of me that way. I'm not trying to say that in a pathetic sort of way either. What I am trying to say is that it would all be so strange to find myself in that kind of world again. I'm not the most patient of people and being with someone requires patience or at least that is how I see it. Maybe I am starting to sound bitter again, but I guess that I'm not as naive about love as I once was years ago. Being with someone is a struggle and anyone who says differently is lying. ... People often think that I am cruel at times, but I can't stand hypocrisy or half truths. I know that I am flawed. I won't deny it. I just wish that other people could say the same thing about themselves. ... I still haven't answered the question that was asked a few paragraphs back. Am I happy? Giddy bouncing off of the walls and letting everyone in the world know how I feel happy? No. Does this make me a bitter chain smoking man who curses the world? No. I don't cry myself to sleep or think that the world has cheated me out of anything. I believe more in free will than I do predestination. Maybe I did take something away from Philosophy 101, which I got a D- in my freshman year in college. Personally I got more philosophy from Calvin and Hobbes, who were named after John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes. Over time I have learned a few things about life and my place in it. As to where I am going next and with who has yet to be determined. ... I feel better now having said what I just said. Somewhere in there I might have even been able to make a point.
|