Wind and Rain

Lately I have been thinking about my life and what I have done with it. There are five years between college and me. Ten years between high school and me. Would I have guessed that this is where I would be ten years ago? The answer is no. There would have been no way that I could have predicted that this is where I would be today. I like to think that I have learned a few things about myself over the past ten years though.

Sometimes I feel that I am unable to live up to my potential. My job lets me down on a regular basis. I can change that though by looking for a new job. My plan to leave in six months is firm. I know that I can do better and I will do better. Yes, here I am administering self help to myself.

If I have done anything in the past ten years its survive. I graduated from college with a degree that is not overly marketable. This combined with my less than aggressive approach to business really didn't advance me very quickly.

I adapted though. While I lingered in insurance for three years doing customer service, I also went to school at night and learned enough to get into the computer department at the insurance company. The artist became a computer geek.

What holds me back at this company is that they know I lacked experience before I got there. Now I have that experience and I am going to leave.

I survived my college girlfriend deciding that she didn't believe in us when she graduated. This was when I still had one more semester to go. I still remember that winter break vividly. Most of it was spent drinking with my roommate in the college town waiting for school to start again. Nice timing. I'm only finishing my collge career and she decides to leave. Okay, never mind the fact that I helped her through her final semester.

Her and I were friends after college until she pushed me too far and I walked into the world of Tracy. Soon I was rebuilding once again after Tracy left my life. At least each time that I fall, I usually bounce back higher than from where I started in the first place.

These are the kind of thoughts that go through my mind late on a Saturday night listening to the wind and rain pelt my windows.

Well, I imagine that I will be feeling much better in the morning. I usually start to feel better after I write an entry. The best part is that I learned this from the college girlfriend who left me at Christmas six years ago. What a Christmas that was for me. I was oh so manly crying that year.

Life its fun. No, there are times when life really is just harsh, but feeling sorry for yourself never gets a person very far.

Self doubt just likes to creep into my mind every so often. I am human.

Something is missing from my life and I have no idea what it is anymore. So sometimes I just stop looking like Camus said and just live.

If I could, I would just drop everything and travel for a year. To be able to free myself of this rut for just a little while would be so nice. This would be totally out of character for me. I have reached a point in my life where I refuse to live like dirt. I like being comfortable. Travelling isn't always comfortable. Maybe I am getting old.

The California trip is still in the planning stages. The last I heard was that it will be a road trip. Dan wants to live out there and is going to drive and look for a job. So I'll have to fly back. It would be great to use all of my vacation before I left this job.

How can a person have a mid-life crisis at twenty eight? I guess that I know something needs to happen.

I like to think that I will be rewarded somehow for my efforts. That certainly has a ring of Christianity about it. This coming from a person who hasn't set foot in a church in years. My grandmother feels that this is why I feel sad every so often. The reality is that the church has doesn't anything for me in years. I know too much about the bible and how it was written. The puppet show doesn't work for me anymore.

Like I said I am sure that I will feel much better in the morning. I usually do.

Noon

As I predicted I am feeling much better today. After I wrote the above I watched Wait Until Dark, the film where Audrey Hepburn is a blind woman.

I really need to check my answering machine more often. Brenda had called me last night. Beth was in town and they wanted me to come over.

I don't have a physical answering machine, because I went with the voicemail that the phone company provides. This means I don't know if I have any messages unless I pick up the phone.

This afternoon I saw Good Will Hunting and I highly recommend it. The dialogue was so right. What made the film even better for me was that I could relate in some ways to the main character. Here is this incredibly bright person who doesn't really live up his potential. People tell him that he is gifted and he jush pushes people away. Sarcasm is the easiest thing to do. The sad part is that the character is only twenty one and I'm twenty eight. I keep wondering where I went wrong. Did I miss something along the way?

There are times when I have felt that people have let me down. So I learned to rely on just myself. It works much better that way for me.

I spent part of the night over at Brenda's place watching movies and eating pizza.

I wish that today's entry was better written. Its hard to pull together a series of thoughts and emotions throughout the day into one coherent little entry. Some truth does manage to find its way though every so often. I may not be much of a storyteller, but I keep trying.