Personal Attention

Since Brenda has been working late most of the week, I have able to get some solid computer time in the past few nights and it feels good to be doing something that I enjoy. Not that I don't like being with her, but being on the computer is how I relax. Mostly I've been looking for new journals, not that I am getting tired of the old ones, but because I always like to see who else is out there. The phenomenon of the journals hasn't gotten old for me yet and at the moment its the only contact that I have with creativity.

I know that I have mentioned before my obsession with the Real World program on MTV and last night was a treat for me, because they had something called Road Rules All Stars. They had gathered cast members from previous Real World locations and sent them to New Zealand. Some of my favorites were back for the show. John the country singer from Kentucky, Rachel the Republican from San Francisco, Eric the model from Manhattan and Sean the logroller from my home state of Wisconsin are all on the new show. I have to confess how grateful I am that Sean seems pretty hip on the show. Wisconsin could really use some good public relations work and he is doing just fine.

Its times like this when it would be nice to have someone to talk with about the show, but Brenda has never really seen the program and shows very little interest in hearing about it. This means that quite a few of my interests go here, because I have a captive audience. I can imagine members of the audience nodding their heads in agreement or maybe shaking their heads in disgust. Yes, I realize that no two people can like exactly the same things and besides the thought of a female version of me would be too much anyway.

One time Brenda said that people have to fake an interest in something they do not like to keep a relationship going. So does this means it is better to lie than express your true feelings about something and if this is the case then this bothers me. I am sure that Brenda would say that I am misquoting her, but she has said something to that effect to me.

She says that she wants to learn more about what I like, but usually she tends to do something different when she loses interest. An example would be that I was watching a program on television about the Doors last night and she wanted to change the channel. She casually asks if there isn't anything else to watch. The contempt and boredom are clearly audible in her voice. I am not saying that I am a huge Doors fan, but I had been watching the program before she got home. If I wasn't going to change the channel, then she was going to read her magazine. I guess that I shouldn't really expect anything else from her, because she has admitted that she is spoiled and has to have everything her way.

The phrase that people do not change keeps going through my mind over and over.

When I asked her in our recent argument when was the last time she was wrong about anything, she said that she might be wrong about us. Well that certainly speaks volumes doesn't it. She is so brainwashed by all of her management classes that she is unable to admit when she is wrong. This is also explains why I am treated like an employee every so often. Or maybe this is a sign of insecurity.

I used to tell Brenda to stop barking orders at me and she was very hurt by this comment so I stopped saying it. Its funny, because whenever I hesitate or disagree with her, I suddenly have an attitude, but she never seems to have one. I am slowly learning to take her attitude less seriously. Now I just smile and laugh to myself instead of getting upset. I think that this is a much healthier arrangement for both of us. She can vent and I can ignore. Or put another way there are times when I really don't need to be that sensitive or attentive to what she is saying to me.

On the other hand if she had not called me on Sunday, it would have been the end for us. There was a definite need for more mutual respect and understanding between us. My moving out really shook her up, because it meant that she couldn't control me and she did quite a bit of crying and apologizing later that afternoon. She also questioned what kind of relationship that Tracy and I had if we didn't have any arguments and then went on to say that it must not have been very strong. On the contrary, Tracy and I argued quite frequently, but very little good came out of the arguments. If anything they drove us further apart, because Tracy never followed through on what she said she would do.

I have said enough and I am getting tired of this thread. Acknowledge and move on.

I sometimes think it is better when I have only myself to talk about music. Sometimes when I talk with other people about music the illusion that I have about the music is destroyed. Music is said to bring people together, but for me it is a very personal experience. I am the kind of person who can load the cd player and just lie there for hours listening to music. Sometimes I read comic books while I do this or I might just stare out the window. Brenda might see this as being lazy, but I see it as something very healthy.

My mood is the best that it has been in a long time. Its the end of the week and I'm ready to start investigating a few new topics. For instance, I have been watching the From Earth to the Moon series on HBO the past few weeks and have started to want to read some of the books that the astronauts wrote about their experiences. What do you do after you have walked on the moon?

I have a feeling that the next entry will probably be on Monday, but I might be able to upload tomorrow if I try hard enough.