No Nametag for Me Please

Today was the best day that I have had in a long time at work. First of all I was busy. Not once did I yawn today or wonder what I was going to do for the next hour or so. It was great. Now if I could somehow maintain this level of productivity, my job would be so much more pleasant.

I tried to get a better look at the rugs when I drove home tonight. Most of them are composed of black backgrounds with the image in the center or earth tones in some pattern. Tigers seemed to be more popular than dead celebrities.

One thing did bother me today. Brenda. We had been arguing for most of the week and tonight we must have talked for about three hours. Once again we talked about what bothered each of us about the other person.

Brenda had a number of complaints about me. Her foremost complaint is that I have to start thinking more in terms of we rather than me. According to her sometimes a person has to do things that the other person wants to do whether they like them or not. This in her mind is love.

A wedding of a coworker and friend that Brenda knows happens this Saturday. Now I went to grade school with the bride years ago, but I have no real emotional attachment to her. The wedding holds very little meaning for me, so I see no reason for me to go. Besides its also my niece's two year old birthday party on Saturday.

Brenda wanted me to go and I was grudgingly willing to go until last night. She simply pushed me too far. She said that she had to get clothes for me to wear to the wedding. I asked her what was wrong with the clothes that I own. She said that they were business casual and not appropriate for a wedding. In her opinion men and women should wear their finest at a wedding.

I was very insulted by the way she kept badgering me about what size clothes I wear and what I already own. I am not a child. Nor does my self esteem rely on what I wear. I am not superficial. What I wear does not reflect on who I am. My self confidence is very strong and I prefer to be me in a tee shirt and jeans.

Brenda once said that she refused to date men who don't wear belts. I find this to be weird. According to her, jeans should also be worn with a belt. This is incredibly shallow to me and I do not wear a belt. I refuse to wear belts because I think that they are very tacky.

So despite our argument I am not going to the wedding. The damage had already been done to her. By damage I mean that she had taken my decision as a personal insult to her. It didn't matter to her when I told her that I only stayed for an hour at the reception of the last wedding I attended and this was the wedding of people that I have known for over a decade.

Yes, I will admit that I used the birthday party as an excuse to get out of going to the wedding, but I feel much better now. I am sure that I am going to have fun with my family. As a result of my decision, Brenda decided to take her aunt as her date to the wedding, which I find to be highly strange. Why would a forty something woman want to her hang out with her niece at a wedding? Brenda had this planned sometime early in the day so I guess that my presence there was only party significant. From where I stand it appears that the event is more important then who she brings with her. There was even a time when she said that she didn't want to go. She would say that I am twisting things, but I don't care. I still see it as more of a business obligation for her than a social event. She would disagree though.

I have to confess that weddings in general hold very little meaning for me. I am not a woman. My life does revolve around that day. It is not my day to shine. I do not dream about my ideal wedding dress. I do not envision what everyone will be wearing and where they will be sitting. The whole concept aggravates me. I have often wondered if I could endure the ceremony when I get married.

The other complaint that Brenda had about me was that I need to be more carefree. This is not something new to me. People have often accused me of being serious and distant and this really doesnít bother me. I could care less what other people think of me. Why should I cut loose for everyone that I see? Even my own family has compared me to Neil from the London version of the Real World. He was seen as an intellectual who above everyone else. He was British and this makes sense to me. Its this quality that I admire in the British. They have style. Months ago I said something very similar about the British and my opinion hasnít changed.

Throughout this journal I have stated over and over again that I see the world a certain way and I am happy with who I am. I like myself and I will be the first to admit that I am highly unconventional. No, my hair is not blue and nothing on my body is pierced, but people still think that I am strange. My belief is why do what everyone else is doing? What happened to being an individual?

As an aside I think that tattoos and piercing is way too mainstream and trendy.

Despite everything that I have said about being an individual, this does not mean that I do not like people. On the contrary I like to talk with other people who make me think. Intelligent conversation is very rewarding to me. Talking about sports does not qualify as intelligent conversation to me and I refuse to apologize for my opinion.

Brenda is so disappointing at times. Her world consists of nothing but work and her family. There is so much more out there to be experienced. Her excuse is that her job takes up sixty hours a week of her time. My response is get a different job then if it bothers her so much. She is so culturally stunted and I suffer for it at times. To paraphrase Tori Amos I am not looking for a girl that thinks really deep thoughts, but someone who talks about more than work and drinking beer would be nice.

Life has so much to offer and I want to experience as much of it as possible. Yes, neither of us can afford a vacation now, but if we didn't eat out so much maybe we could go somewhere. She would see this as being cruel, but I am able to go without certain things to get other things. I can go without buying new music for a couple months so that I can buy a plane ticket to somewhere.

Her life is so structured, because of her job. My life is not. I live a day to day existence. Each day I look at things a little differently. I have no idea what I am going to be doing in July and next year is anything but certain in my mind. Every week she has a schedule that she has to adhere to as though it were the law.

Most of my beliefs are much more eastern in nature than hers. I am not of the western grab what you can mentality. I am not out to rape the world for my own personal pleasure. Life to me is full of questions. She sees me fighting against the world, which is untrue. I am trying to rise above what I see as insignificant. In her mind everything that I do and say is negative. Well, I told her it is hard to love her when she sees only the negative in me. There are times when I wonder why she is with me.

What we did decide is that I need to tell her when she is bothering me rather than waiting for her to start an argument. I just need to tell her to shut up once in a while. It was also agreed upon that she is a very controlling person and needs to be put in her place every so often. Sometimes it really is the differences between us that keep us going and this may or may not be healthy.