Police State

After I had calmed down a little last night, I was able to watch the full moon outside of my window while I was watching a documentary on Neil Armstrong. They called him a reluctant hero and I admire him that much more because of it. He was the first person ever to set foot on the moon and did not abuse his position in history. He saw going to the moon as a job and he did it to the best of his ability. He does not glorify what he had done. Even to this day he does not do interviews. I think that very few people like that exist anymore.

It seems as though the longer I am at work, the more depressed that I get. Having my car get egged was the last thing that I needed to happen to me. I know that this sounds completely evil, but if I saw who did it, I would break every finger on their hand. Biblical justice can be fun.

I know that other people have had their cars broken into and so have I in the past. Egging a car is not like having a window broken or tires slashed, but its the principle of what happened. I still see it as an assault on me. What prompts a person to do vandalism? Have they watched A Clockwork Orange a few too many times? Does every little boy want to be Alex? I just don't understand why there is so little respect in the world for other people and their property.

Of course the soft science of birth order says that since I am the first born child I respect authority more than a second or third child might. Most of the time this is true. I understand the need for order and am very disgusted when it fails to live up to its promises. I'm not asking for Judge Dredd or a police state, but what happened to common decency? Suddenly I sound like a middle aged man representing the conservative right.

All of this reminds me when someone broke into my 1973 Monte Carlo that I owned years ago. What they expected to find I have no idea. I am not one of those people who has a dirtball loser car with a stereo system in it that is worth more than the car itself. I guess I missed out on the thrill of being a juvenile delinquent. Maybe I should start smashing in some windows myself to see what I am missing.

Am I a freak? Do I overreact about my job? My answer would be no. I am tired of being two different people. There should not be a difference between who I am at home and who I am at work. I know that other people do it all of the time, but I can't do it. This daily charade is slowly killing me and I need to escape. I am so emotionally detached from anything that goes on at work. It holds no meaning for me and I am tired of pretending. At first I could tolerate my position, but being the stranger in a strange land is not fun anymore. The joke has gotten stale. I know that a job that I will like exists somewhere and I have to find it.

To some people I must sound like some dumb spoiled suburban brat who doesn't like his job, but I like to think that there is more to it. Oh, I know that the life that I have is better than others, but I know that I can do better. The media would try to label me as a slacker, but they would also be wrong. I want to do something with my life and I just can't seem to find the right niche. Someone once said that patience is an overrated virtue and I am starting to think that they are right.

Okay, I think that the horse is dead. The sweat is starting to run into my eyes anyway. Time to move on to something far more productive like a movie review.

History can be entertaining or at least when Spielberg does it. Of course I knew nothing about the Amistad before I saw the movie, but I still enjoyed it. I guess the most impressive part of the film was the legal portion. I love listening to people talk about the law. Its one of the few things that separates us from the rest of the primates on the planet. On the other hand what was portrayed in the trial could have been a complete fabrication and I would never know it.

I still haven't started a new novel even though I have plenty to choose from in my personal library. All that I have been reading lately is magazines.

In conjunction with a redesign of the look of the site, I have been contemplating a slight name change as well. When I get a new job I am going to shorten the name to Motion, because hopefully that is what I'll be in rather than just going through them. I'll be escaping from a cliche into an abstract word.

Or I choose something really pretentious like a phrase from Shakespeare for the new title of the journal. Other more well known writers have done it before me. Faulkner and his book The Sound and the Fury would be one example. Steinbeck and The Winter of Our Discontent would be another good example.

I knew him well is the first phrase that comes to mind. Its from Hamlet and I can never have too much Hamlet in my life. Elizabethan angst never goes out of style.

With the change in name I hope that the journal will take on a more positive tone. Time will tell what will happen, because nothing is definite at the moment. I'll stop here or I'll have to launch into a muddled discussion of free will versus predestination which is not my best subject.

I promise that I will not talk about work at all tomorrow. Of course my attitude about work on the weekend is out of sight, out of mind so that really isn't much of a challenge.