Panic Attack

I always imagine the worst, because in my mind the outcome will seem that much better when it happens. I am sure that this line of thinking is warped and somewhat self-defeating, but it is what I do and have done for years. I am so neurotic at times.

Next Tuesday will be the day that decides what my life will be like for the rest of the year and into the next. What I mean to say is that my interview is next Tuesday. When the company called me this morning they said that they had a second somewhat different position available and wanted to know which one I preferred. This was not something that I was expecting to hear from them. The mental image in my mind was for the other job and I wasn't sure if I was qualified enough for this other position, so I stayed with my first choice.

Its been a long time since someone believed in me and wanted me to work for them. They even saw something in me that I did not see in myself or had overlooked. Ugh, I wish that I knew what they wanted from me. The interview should answer all of my questions and I am sure that I will be able to make a better decision then. Its just been so long since I did anything that challenged me. Time and again I said that my current job requires so little of me and I give about the same amount back to it.

I just want everything to go right. At first when I spoke with them this morning I was excited. Then when I hung up I started to wonder if I had said the right thing. Did I sound positive enough? Was I articulate? Should I have said that the other position sounded better? Do I have an opportunity to change my mind again? Did I sound confident?

What made it even worse was that they asked if I could come in tomorrow and I said that I needed more time. They said that they understood and now I have to wait until Tuesday. Maybe tomorrow would have been too soon. It has been nearly two years since I was on a formal interview and I would like to be prepared.

Okay, its time to stop with the melodrama. What really makes it worse is that I can't tell anyone what is happening.

Most of what is above I wrote early in the morning shortly after I got off of the telephone. Now I am thinking a little more calmly and I think that I will be fine next week. Maybe the other position is better for me. Talking with the head of the department will give me more insight than just speaking with the human resources person.