Loyal to myself

I'm not sure if my water entry yesterday got across what I wanted to say. Oh, the descriptions were accurate enough, but I wanted to stress the mind set that I had. I was torn between what kind of idiot I wanted to be. Did I want to be someone who stopped on one road when it was clear a block away? Or did I want to be an idiot with his car stuck in a flooded street?

I just want it all to be over. I want a new job, so that I don't have to pretend that I like my job any more. Just being at work is a strain on me, because I feel like a traitor in a small way. I am tired of trying to look concerned about where the company is going and what is in store for the future. It doesn't interest me any more and I am wondering if it ever really did. Company pep talks sound hollow and old. I've heard it all before and it bores me. Any motivation that I might have had in the morning disappears when I get to work.

To combat these feelings, I spend the majority of the day doing what I want to do. This might be writing journal entries or just reading. Surprisingly writing entries at work flows much better than they do at home. This might be due to the fact that at home I have other things to do on the computer. At work my pc is devoid of any interesting software and word processing is all that I have to pass the time.

Lately the first hour of the day is spent reading journal entries from other people that I have brought with me on a disk from home. To me it should be pretty obvious to those walking by my cube what I am doing. Let me explain why they should know. I do not have internet access at work, but I have a browser window open on my pc quite often. I guess that I could just read the journal entries in word, but I like reading them the way the author meant them to be seen.

Later in the day my lunch hour gets longer and longer as I care less and less about what is going on at work. The latest issue of the New Yorker becomes far more important than anything that might be waiting at my desk. I am tired of shuffling papers. I just want to walk away from all of it.

I will admit to a few moments of guilt about my recent attitude. My coworkers have probably seen me as less than energetic lately and part of me wants to apologize to them. I am sure that when I leave the company they will take it as a betrayal, but its just business. If they truly cared about me, they would give me more money and make my job more rewarding. I want to be happy, and I know that isn't possible here anymore.

I don't feel like whining anymore today.