On Tuesday night, Brenda and I had the discussion that Brenda hoped we would have had the day she asked me to leave. There was just too much pressure in the air on that day to talk. The words weren't coming out. Silence held us both down.
Brenda wanted me to fight for her. She was also hurt her that I didn't confide enough in her. Perhaps the journal would have gone away if we had done a few things differently.
She is getting tired of her job and I knew that she would, because its the nature of the job. Retail grinds people down. She said that I didn't support her enough when she had problems. My response is that she would have been upset by my opinion. I always thought that she should leave retail behind her and do something more rewarding, but she is afraid to try something new. I can not make her quit. It is her decision.
I never did capture the way that Brenda talks to me. No, she does not yell at me all of the time. She did admit to some yelling on Tuesday night though.
We were and I hope still are very close. There are things that were said only between us. I miss that emotional connection and so does Brenda. She thinks about me everyday and I think of her. Something did happen in that apartment these past eight months.
I know Brenda very well. I know her mannerisms. I know the way she walks. I know the way she talks. I have seen her smile and get silly. I have seen her roll over to my side of the bed when I wake up in the morning. She said that she did this to smell me while I was gone. The pillow was all that she had to hold when I was not there.