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Suspended animation I was having problems thinking of something to write today, so I read what I was doing a year ago. What I found out was that a year ago I was doing almost the exact same things that I am doing now. The two days were almost identical to each other. I'm not sure what to make of this event or lack of one. Maybe what all of this means is that I am a fully realized person. The correct term from psychology might be self actualization, but I'm not sure. Essentially what it means is that I know who I am as a person and nothing will change who I am no matter who tries. More than one person has said that I am someone who does not care what other people think about me and I would have to say that this is a true statement. Brenda even said this about me and it really bothered her. She couldn't shake me from my beliefs. Some people perceive this as arrogance, but that really isn't my problem. I know that I can't be everyone's friend, which is what is promoted in the world of retail. I have to live my life according to what works for me. The converse of me being a fully realized person is that I am stagnant and just don't know it. Perhaps my next goal in life should be to achieve nirvana. All that I have to do is free myself of fear and desire and I'll be Buddha. Somehow I don't see that happening in the near future. A year ago I was thinking of leaving my job and here I am now with a new job. So maybe on that level of my life I did accomplish something since last year. One difference this year is that I won't be going to Omaha, Nebraska for three weeks. I am sure that my former company feels that sending me there was a waste of their time and money, but my leaving was a good business decision for me. My life always comes before the matters of where I work. Work does not dictate my personal well being. Time for an unrelated tangent. A recent article in Cosmopoliatn magazine breaks down attraction to a mate into three categories. The categories are head, heart and crotch. Yes, women do think with their crotch from time to time. They might use a more acceptable word like hormones, but it means the same thing. End of tangent. Brenda does not like it when people do not see things her way. We disagreed many times and maybe this was a strength of mine. She wanted me to give, but she would not. She would disagree with this statement, but its all moot now. The woman who said at one time that she couldn't wait until we fought has grown tired of arguing. Argument hold very little appeal for me. I tend to remain as emotionless as possible and let the other person get more and more frustrated. I can talk for hours or just respond with silence when I know that I am not getting through anymore. Stalker portion of today's entry begins here. In reading what I did a year ago tomorrow, I saw that I first mentioned Darcy, my college girlfriend. Gretchen wanted me to try to contact her and I made an attempt. When I called her home phone, I found out was that she had moved. Then when I tried to reach her at work, I found out that she had gotten married. Neither of the two phone calls I made were with her though. A stranger answered at her old telephone number and I listened to her voicemail message at work. End of stalker portion. There was a time when I held Darcy up as my standard for the women that appealed to me. She was how I judged other women when it came to me and part of that is still true. Darcy knew how to reach me and I do look for someone very much like her. Brenda had a few elements of Darcy in her, but maybe not enough. Darcy was more well rounded when it came to the humanities and was much more of an easy going person. Brenda made me tense at times, because I was wondering what I was supposed to do next. Here I am tonight trying to decide how late I should stay up. I know that I have to make the transition to third shift sometime, but I don't see why I should waste my weekend either. Staying awake for twenty hours really isn't that hard for me. Some people have suggested that maybe too much introspection prevents a person from truly enjoying life. Months ago I used to have a quote by Camus on my page. Maybe I should bring it back. "You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life."
audio input at the moment: Adore - Smashing Pumpkins
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