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From my dreams I fell asleep last night at a normal first shift person time and woke up feeling better about myself. I remember fragments of a dream where I met and spoke with Darcy. We hugged and talked. The details of the conversation are lost, but I felt better when I woke up. Whenever we were together, Darcy did have a positive effect on me. I know that I have said it before, but the conversations in my dreams always intrigue me. I am the one supplying all of the dialogue. Every word that is spoken is mine. The other people are merely parts of myself gathered together for therapy. My morning started with an hour of reading online journals. I have thought about making a list of who I read and posting it here, but have never gotten around to it. I think that most of the people that I read know it though. I think that my refrigerator is slowly dying. Its been making some disturbing sounds. These are sounds that I have heard a few years ago when the refrigerator that Tracy and I had died on us. Oh, it gave us some warning signs. Sounds of a belt grinding and whining signaled an impending collapse. Then one day we came home to about a hundred dollars worth of spoiled food. None of this was ever reimbursed either. Ah, the fond memories of where I have been and what I have done. At the moment my noisy refrigerator is rather empty. I haven't gotten around to stockpiling the freezer with food just yet. What I should do though is sift through the assorted bottles and jars of condiments residing in my fridge. Some of them have long passed over into the the happy hunting ground. Most of them were untouched for months when I lived with Brenda. Here I am comparing the contents of my fridge to dead pets. Thankfully none of them have fur yet. Computer shop. I have been meaning to talk about that term or expression for some time now. Every time that I hear it I have to laugh. The word shop in a job sense implies safety glasses and steel toed shoes to me. A shop should be lit by mercury vapor lamps and have yellow warning signs placed everywhere. People are hunched over oil stained benches trying to meet their quota for the day. None of this seems to exist within a computer shop though. Of course there are those who call the place where I work a data center which seems a little more accurate. Brenda called me this morning. She didn't get any of her vacation last week. Two managers quit and of course they expected her to pick up the slack. It seems that she has worked fourteen days in a row. Hearing from her really confuses me, because she still has an effect on me. Why did she call? What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to ask her out or offer to do something? I could hear the hesitation in her voice when she was on the phone with me. I tried to be as supportive as possible, but I don't know what else I can do. Its not as though we are casual acquaintances catching up with one another. We used to be lovers. I just don't know anymore. Maybe Brenda was just checking in on me which would be a contrast to the way that Tracy treated me after we split apart. Tracy called me once and she was asking for money. The landlord had finally gotten around to giving her a bill for the utilities. We were to pay a third of the bill. All of the bills went to him first and we were to wait to hear from him on what amount we owed. When I was with her he never gave us a bill. Tracy felt that I owed her half of the bill. I asked her how could she ask me for money when she never paid her half of the rent. I paid for all of it by myself. She was already living with a new guy and I told her to ask him for money. She didn't get any more money for me and she hung up. That was the last time that I ever spoke with her. I went to the art supply store this afternoon in search of some new portfolios. Its been a while since I was there and it felt good. Maybe this will bring me one step closer to painting again. While I was at the art store I saw a woman my age wearing what I consider to be the uniform of the college artist. She was decked out in a pea coat, plaid pants and platform shoes. Oh, don't get me wrong, she looked good, but for some reason I don't know if I could date someone like that anymore. She almost seemed too stereotypical. Then on the other hand I might look like an average white guy to her. Since I didn't talk to her, I'll never know the answer. After the art store, I went to my old company today. I had some questions about my 401K and I wanted to see some of the people that I know there. It was good to see Nick and Tony again. The three of us agreed to do lunch next Monday. My sister Hope is completing her military training and I have been invited to her graduation ceremony. Unfortunately the possibility of me being able to go to Missouri for a day is highly unlikely. I am very proud of her though and I hope that she knows how I feel. Of my three siblings, she is the one that I know the best. I'll have to write her a letter in place of my being there. I know that it won't be the same, but it is the best that I can do at the moment. Part of me knew that today's entry would be much more lengthy than they have been recently. I do have things that I want to say and I want this journal to be more than my personal shorthand. Plus with the keyboard a few feet away from me all day its easy to start writing whenever a thought pops into my head.
audio input at the moment: Urban Hymns - The Verve
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