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What have I wrought According to what I wrote a year ago, I have lived in my house for two years and I have to wonder what I have learned in that time. On the surface I am repeating myself. When I first moved in here I had the sting of parting from Tracy still with me. A mere two months before I moved in here, she and I had parted after she sent me into debt. It was the first and at the moment the last time that a woman and I shared a lease. Brenda and I never quite made that final step. My misgivings and concerns prevented that from happening and the aftermath was a very hurt and confused Brenda. A year ago, I was feeling so positive about my job. I was fresh from Omaha where I was sent to learn the inner workings of our system and all that it could do for us. When I got back I quickly learned that I was mistaken about what would happen next with me. Very little of what I had been taught was used in my job. Instead I was offered a paycheck for endless repetition. Once again I had fallen under the sway of poor management. My five years of being in the job market after college has taught me a number of lessons. The most important being that I am more important than the company. My interests come first despite anything that the company might promise me. I am what matters the most not what they say. I am sure that I will be leaving my current job within two years. Its not that I don't like it, it just that I know that I need to change my surroundings in order to grow. I need to stay in motion to be alive. Part of me sees where I live as a transitional place. Its where I go to recover after a relationship ends. It where I struggle to free myself of self pity and fits of melodrama. Its where I look back at what I have done and try to learn form it. I know that I am not the same person that I was when I first moved here. The past two years have changed me. Oh, the personal ad part of me has remained the same. Its not as though my personality took a one hundred eighty degree turn. Books, film and music still feed me and heal me. They keep me alive and happy. Some of what I wrote in the winter months of last year does embarass me. The words are crudely pieced together and sometimes they hide more than they reveal. Then there are the times when I do find what I do here to be truly worthwhile. Something that I wrote actually makes sense to me and is of value to me. I escape from the cliches and create something that holds meaning. Perhaps all of this reflection is being prompted by my approaching birthday. Maybe I feel compelled to do some mental house cleaning to further delineate the fact that I'll be twenty nine soon. Its an age that I never really gave much thought to when I was growing up, but I do still have to wonder what I have accomplished since I hit the planet almost three decades ago.
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