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rushing the year Too often I seem to distance from myself from everything and my flippant attitude toward the holiday season would be a good example. Part of me already knows what to expect so I would rather just get the new year started. I'm not saying that the holidays will be miserable or torturous, but they won't be all that extravagant either. The magic disappeared years ago. Now instead of being carefree days, they are social events with almost mandatory attendance. Something about being an adult has taken all of the joy out of the holidays. At least I am single and don't have to worry about going to two different family gatherings. Oh, I am sure that Thanksgiving will be a nice meal with my immediate family, but it has never been that big of an event for us. We'll eat and then I'll go to work. For me it will be just another day with a bigger meal and Christmas will be about the same. Actually this will be the first time in years that I've had Thanksgiving with my parents and my siblings. In the past they have gone out of town for the holidays and I've stayed here with other relatives. It was the best solution at the time, but this year we seem to have broken that pattern. There are times when I feel as though I have a new emotional state for each hour of the day and all of that gets lost here. Even after jotting down lines and fragmented paragraphs for over two years I am still not happy with most of the output. Details get muddled and a false if not distorted image comes across. I don't walk around spouting off at the world. Nor do I see myself fighting against everything around me. I just get slightly moody from time to time. I need to have more fun in life. Even as I write it, it sounds pathetic, but is rather true. Somehow I either do something on a grand scale or do nothing. I'm not one to hang out in bars, because alcohol is too temporary of a solution and doesn't seem to be worth my time anymore. I want something that will stimulate my mind not numb it. Days drift by and I wonder if I am simply wasting life. I have the career in motion, yet part of me would love to just leave all of it behind for a year to travel the world. The idea of coming back and having to start all over frightens me. I fear that it would be too much for me. Then I keep telling myself that I only have one time around here and I might as well get as much out of it as possible. What I should do is find a job where travel is built into it. Until I find a better solution, I need to start working on some new projects or at least do something creative. Today was odd. Some brief electrical surge made my stereo squawk and woke me an hour after I fell asleep this morning. What was in hindsight a minor event threw me off for the rest of the day. Earlier this week I saw a great documentary on New York City during the 1920's and 30's. It was great seeing an era that is so removed from the world that I live in now. Fitzgerald was alive and writing as the both the Chrysler and Empire State buildings were being built. The Depression was still in the future as was the Second World War. People were living higher than ever before and were unaware of the price that they would have to pay in the coming years.
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