Re.: I've Never Been To Me

Dear Charlene,

Yes, I love your inexplicable 1982 hit song. And yes, I sing my fucking heart out when it pops up on the iPod in my car. But I must raise one issue with your lyrics.

You sing:

I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free...

Okay. Say you have a bushel of subtle whoring. Or a truckload. A lot of subtle whoring, at any rate. And say you sell that truckload of subtle whoring for two cents. That's a pretty good deal on subtle whoring, right? But even at that low a rate, it's not free. Any price (no matter how low) attached to any amount (no matter how large) of subtle whoring makes it cost too much to be free.

In conclusion: if it (no matter what it is, including subtle whoring) costs anything at all, then it costs too much to be free. By stating that something has cost, you are also implicitly stating that the thing is not free.

I don't know exactly how you want to fix this whenever you get around to re-recording this song. That's for you musical types to figure out. Maybe you could talk a little bit more. Or start rapping! Bring in Ludacris to do a verse! Or maybe a harp solo.

Regardless, you can only make a great song better by addressing the nonsense I've mentioned here. Keep up the great work. Can't wait for your next album!

Sincerely,
H