Effluvia

From Yahoo News:

UK police finger 1,000 hooligans before Euro 2000

And those are some happy hooligans, let me tell you.

I need to play this game.

Death by nicotine.

Raverporn. I'm told it's excellent.

The most compelling actor on television.

"Hello, dis is da Pope..."

Buffy vs. Carrie.

Mmmmm...little square burgers...

Science marches forward in our neighboring countries.

Bygone Days
Uncensored!

125 YEARS AGO
June 6, 1875

Graduation exercises of Gaines' Institute of Memphis were last night at Memphis Theater. Graduating were Miss Jennie Hunter, Miss Annie C. Elliott, Miss Lillie Laskland.

Afterwards, the Gaine's Institute closed its doors forever because really, whhat kind of school can stay open with only three fucking graduates?

Boss Kenny

Well, congratulations to all the Diarist Awards winners. It must be such a thrill to be nominated, and positively orgasmic to win!

Of course, I wouldn't know anything about that, as I've never been nominated. This is a mistake on the level of overlooking Einstein for the Nobel Prize in favor of the guy who figured out that baking soda and vinegar, mixed in a bottle, makes a nifty-looking volcano.

This isn't sour grapes, people. Objectively, empirically, my stuff is better than some of the stuff that won this go-round. It's not a debatable subject.

So I've made my decision: if I don't win an award next time I'm suing all of you, becuase it's all your fault. It doesn't have to happen, but it will if you don't fucking back me up.

See you in court!

And, as long as I'm riffing on the journalling commmunity, would it be meanspirited of me to say that a certain extremely popular Nashville journalist is coming off more and more as an out-of-touch old fogey, alternating between clueless and enraged by pop culture?

It would? Okay, I won't say anything about it, then. But I laugh like a motherfucker when he talks about popular musicians like they're a strange and newly discovered species of insect from the Amazon.

And, um, that Dave Van guy? You know, if I were him I'd start beating the kids - not for the hope of instilling some discipline in them, but just for revenge for all the shit they've fucking destroyed. Maybe if the kids think if they break something Dad will take it out of their ass they won't do it, right? Just a thought.

I went with a couple of coworkers to Best Buy yesterday. I, of course, headed straight for the Dreamcast demo and played a game of Tony Hawk.

A little girl, probably ten or so, with blonde pigtails came up and watched me.

"You're good," she whispered.

I'm not, actually, but it was nice of her to say. "You wanna play, sweetheart?" I asked her, handing over the controller. Grinning, she took it, and I wandered away.

Later, I saw her and her parents walking out. She smiled and gave me a big wave. I waved back.

It was too precious. Charming!

Last night The Wife and I had a White Trash Evening. After I ran we ate and I watched wrestling. Wrestling, for God's sake! Conclusions: The Rock is cool and seeing a chick get assed by a fat guy is funny. And the bad guys cheat. And Vince McMahon is one smart guy.

Then, when the wrestling had gone off, we turned on the New Orleans Police Scanner and listened in on a fight on Dauphine, some teenagers driving erratically and a suspicious person about to jump off I-10.

There was a list of code numbers for different crimes; we were studying them as we listened, trying to figure out the police shorthand.

"Eighty-nine, crime against nature," Sonya read, "would that be, like, fucking a tree?"

"Or a bear," I added.

"But wouldn't that be one-oh-two, cruelty to animals?"

"It depends on the bear's attitude," I supposed.

I went to get my hair cut at lunch today by Shawn, the Cutter of Hair. As I was leaving, Nicki, the receptionist, offered me a mint.

"Sure," I said, "give me a mint."

She opened a little tin that was filled with inch-long penis-shaped mints. Unphased, I popped one in my mouth.

Nicki was appropriately impressed. "I don't think I've seen a guy take one before."

"That didn't take you long, Harold," Shawn observed.

"Well, it was very small," I told him.