Okay, before I give you an update on the activities of the last month, let me say that it is totally unsafe to drive anywhere in Memphis east of Highland. The people are morons. On your average weekday there's only one sensible driver on that side of town - me.

For example: this morning I'm coming to work, cruising along the north leg of I-240. Traffic is heavy and fast. I'm doing 65-70 or so - just like everyone else. So I pass this guy in a truck. Something draws my eye to him as I go by. He's eating.

Corn on the cob.

With both hands.

At 7:30 in the morning.

"Good god!" I yelled to myself. I mean this guy is cruising along, obviously got his cruise control set because he is not steering, and he's eating a fucking cob! Like you can just cruise through the drive-thru at KFC first thing in the morning and say, "gimme a cob, babe, I need some finger food for the drive into work." I was flabbergasted.

So at lunch today I go to the bank, which is in a strip mall like everything else out here in the whitebread ghetto of Cordova where I work. I leave, get in my truck and start to drive away. This woman in front of me, though, stops her car in this narrow little parking lot so that I can't go around her and runs into the fucking Blockbuster to return some movies! She comes back to her car and gets in and as she's pulling away this van pulls up beside me. I scary-looking man leans out the window and said either "she's got big tits" or "go to hell." I'm not real sure.

Then I leave the strip mall and head down Germantown Parkway, a six lane gash across the former rolling meadows and fields of east Shelby County. At lunch time it's a little worse than trying to drive through the French Quarter at Mardi Gras...not so many naked men, though. Which is good.

Anyway, I come up on this intersection and seconds before I get through it this girl pulls a u-turn right in front of me and barely gets out of my way in time. I look at her in pure near-wreck shock and she stuck her tongue out. At me. Because I was staring at her 'cause she'd nearly killed me.

Some people...

May, though, was a pretty good month. The music festival was good, even though Sonya and I only went on Saturday. We saw Garrison Starr, though, and the Neville Brothers and Steve Earle. Ran into Sam and Dawne, my brother-in-law and sister, respectively, and hung out with them, which was fun, 'cause we don't do such things very often. We drank beer and talked family gossip. It was fun.

And we were sitting on the grass in front of the Neville Brothers when this woman, probably fifty or so, plops down beside us, her NORML button displayed prominently, whips out this hog-leg joint and fires it up. Right there in front of me, Sonya, Cyril Neville and a few hundred city cops and county sheriffs. Not to mention the thousands of people grooving on the music. No reaction. None whatsoever. It's incredible what these kids get away with.

I've been on two job interviews this month - both of them fairly heavy. AutoZone - they sell spark plugs and various other car-related items - needs a writer and another company - they shall remain nameless - needs an internet guy. I think AutoZone is a fairly perky cult (not quite up there with beauty pageants, but close) and the other one seems like a fairly stuffy beauracracy. I'd take either job in a heartbeat, though. They're both Downtown and hence very close to my home. And the pay would be much better. Not that I actively dislike my job now, though. But I want a house, and I want to pay some bills. I'm tired of breaking even. As soon as I get the chance I intend to sell out. When I meet the man I will kiss his ass and tell him how sharp his suit is.

The author works on his resume.

Ummm....well, music-wise I was very happy this month. Tori Amos' new album came out (it rocks) and Todd Snider and the nervous wrecks were on Conan O'Brien (they rocked). Yes, Tori's a little bit of a freak, but I'm a fan...so she's my freak. So shut up, okay? You just don't understand. And Todd is the coolest. One of these days he's going to be a huge rock and roll star and I'll be able to say he bought me a drink once.

Sonya and I went to Little Rock a few weeks ago. We saw our friend Christie, who is one of my very best friends and has been for some time now. I just love Christie; she constantly feeds us when we go to visit, and it's really good food, too. We went drunken bowling one night with Christie and her husband, Steve. It was neat.

Oh yeah, I went to Elvis' joint down on Beale for drinks one night. I think the King would approve - the place is elegant with just a touch of the expensive bad taste Big E was known for.

Memorial Day weekend was slow, becuase the family funds were low. Sonya and I went to see Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas last Saturday. It was cool...but not exactly fun. It won't be anyone's favorite movie, but it's deadly faithful to the book and Johnny Depp is frighteningly believable as Hunter Thompson. My favorite moment? The beginning, when the bats come down:

Sunday we went to a Redbirds game - Memphis' Triple-A baseball team, if you didn't know. It was fun - very exciting baseball. And the home team won, which always helps. On the way home we stopped at Rite-Aid (formerly K & B...and no, I don't want to talk about it - I'm still very upset about losing my favorite drugs-and-shit store to a Walgreen's wannabe) and I got an 8-pack of Miller High Life ponies! They're the cutest little things - squat little 7-ounce bottles. You really can drink them just for the fun of it. So I start pounding those down, knowing my friends James and Jen are on the way and if nothing else Jen will binge-drink with me.

Of course they didn't show up until after midnight when I was already feeling a bit tatered. I did a couple of shots of tequila with Jen. Then I went to the bathroom. I'm not sure what happened then but I woke up, standing over the bowl, pecker in hand. Isn't that frightening - that it's physically possible to go to sleep while taking a piss? Needless to say I went to bed.

I have no idea what's going to happen in June.

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