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some new stories I felt very odd leaving work this morning. Ann hadn't come in early and I wasn't sure if that was what she had intended to do or not, so I decided to call her later to see what was happening. Then when I did get a hold of her at work, it seems that once again everything had gone wrong after I left. Naturally this made me feel guilty. Then when she said that she had called me for help, I felt even worse. I was online at the time and didn't know. It bothered me so much that I was almost ready to go back to work even though it was the start of my weekend. Just hearing a hint of panic in her voice completely turns my stomach. Going to sleep seemed like the wrong thing to do, but I tried anyway. Somehow everything had gotten so confusing and I wasn't sure how or why it happened. Part of me was still able to realize that I hadn't done anything wrong and I kept reminding myself that she did have someone else from our department helping her. Now hours later I am beginning to think that it was my lack of sleep that was altering my perception of what was happening. All of my emotions were getting amplified beyond my control. Any real attempt at trying to think clearly was useless and going to sleep was probably my best option. Being in that state of mind is not something that I enjoy. I try not to let myself get too emotional about most things, but every so often I slip. Usually there is a woman involved somewhere as well. ... Overall I have to say that last week was not a normal one for me. Four hours of sleep a day was all that I could manage and I started to accept that as being healthy. Now that I think about it some, I realize that it probably isn't. Usually I am very good at leaving work behind me as soon as I walk out the door, but there were a few times this past week when it lingered with me as I went home. It was not something that I needed or wanted. Nor do I hope to repeat that anytime soon. To help stop that from happening again, I think that it is time to request some time off. My remaining vacation days are limited, but I had promised my grandma that I would visit her at least one more time this fall and show her my pictures of Europe. My grandpa and her had been to Berlin before the fall of the Wall and I think that she'll appreciate the Berlin that I saw when I was there in July. ... After another quick four hours of sleep I shuffled into the livingroom to watch some television as I ate some much needed food. With me being out of the house both Friday and Saturday night, it was the first time that I had caught some of the current Olympics. I had forgotten how much faux drama that they pour into the footage, but it was better than anything else on television as far as I could tell. One of my other viewing options was The Lawrence Welk show which I find to be a looking glass time capsule at best. I can never quite decide which is more frightening, the music or the clothes that the people wore at that time. ... I don't know how to say this without sounding cruel, but I think that Nicole is the most down to earth of the three women that I spoke with today. Both Ann and Donna take their jobs way too seriously. I can admire their dedication and drive, but sometimes it strike me as being too much. In my mind they seem to take it to excess and it hampers the way that we get along. If I had to play pop psychologist I would have to say that Ann focuses so much on her job to distract her from all of the other problems that are going on in her life. As to whether or not this is good for her is a decision that she has to make and not me. As for why Donna is so zealous is beyond. Maybe her job gives her life meaning. I don't know. ... Maybe I was just wanting to talk with someone Saturday night and I mistakenly felt that Ann had let me down. Her state of mind at the time wasn't in synch with mine, so I left her alone. I do worry about her, but at the same time I know that it is her life and she is the one who has to take control. Listening to Nicole take about herself was more what I had in mind. She would stop and ask if I was getting tired of listening to her ramble, but I wasn't. Hearing her talk about what she calls her hoochie momma dress was just enough to lighten my mood. Her stories about her relatives were even better. All of what Nicole said was very real, very human and I could connect to it in some way. With Donna everything is still very distant if not scripted. We did talk about some personal things, but it isn't the same as when I talk with either Ann or Nicole. I'm not sure what I am trying to get at here, beyond the fact that I seem to relate better to some women than others. Of course that sounds completely obvious so there must be another reason that I can't quite describe.
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