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dreams of tomorrow I think that I am lost again, but that needs some explaining. Lately I've been feeling that I have no idea how I got where I am in life now or more importantly where I should go next. I could say how did I get here, but it wouldn't sound nearly as good as when David Byrne said it oh so many years ago. Once again I try to examine all of the pieces and see if it makes sense to me. First of all, I am working in a field that only partly holds my interest yet I have no idea how to break out of it without jeopardizing my financial situation. Yes, I am in school again, but I need to start to accelerate that avenue as well. Right now most of my classmates talk about things that I did years ago. So often I overhear them wondering what their first post collegiate job will be. That was me seven years ago. Then I have to remind myself that this is only natural since I think that most of them are under the age of twenty-five. Maybe next semester I'll be able to talk with more graduate students who have problems closer to mine. I just needed to get this down before it disappeared. So often during the drive back home after class I do some serious thinking in the car. Then in that strange non-time behind the wheel, I seem to stumble upon a certain amount of clarity. However the moment I walk into the house it just seems to vanish. I can't remember how many times I have felt that this project seems to be lacking in content and that elusive quality of my thoughts is why. I never seem to be able to get what is inside my head down in some written form before it becomes something else or less immediate. I don't see myself as a failure. Moneywise I do make a comfortable salary and I have investments here and there. What I don't have is the physical manifestation of it. For example, buying a house is certainly something that I could have done a few years ago. The problem is that I still see a house as a year round busy project and I'm not sure that that is what I want right now in my life. Now having just said that I am curious to know what the going price is for the house next to mine. A for sale sign went up today and I would rather have that house than the one that I live in now. I want a house not a duplex. Once again this is part of my all or nothing philosophy of life. ... Yesterday I had managed to unwind from all of the work nonsense and was able to focus on some other things. In fact I was very productive for most of the day and was rather proud of myself. Then today I started to falter again. Besides just doing the work for class, I need to get some other paperwork going for school as a whole. I need to officially enroll in the program otherwise I am thinking that the class that I am taking next semester might not count toward a degree. My biggest obstacle is finding someone to write letters of recommendation for me. I haven't spoken with any of my former English professors in years. The people that I knew better were my art professors who were slightly hurt that I didn't go on to graduate school in the field of art. The best that I did was paint on a regular basis for the first year or two after college with the intent of entering juried shows. It never happened. Quite bluntly the first three years after college made for a very strange time in my life. For the first time I was living by myself, working and painting. There weren't any roommates. It was just me. Then at the end of the third year, I met Tracy and everything that I had going just came to a halt. As bitter or as warped as it might sound, she became the center of my world. Now blaming her would be too easy and dismiss the fact that I chose to be with her. There was a point in time when it was good. Still I do wonder at times what might have happened if we had never got involved. Then I tell myself that we can't undo what was done. Time is fixed and not circular. ... So here I am fast approaching my thirty-first birthday and there are still so many open ended questions about my life. Nothing is very clear anymore and I have to wonder if I am the only person that thinks like I do.
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