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not so victorian If I remember correctly the rest of yesterday went by without too much thought on my part, which was what I needed. Then finally going back to work seemed to clear my mind of the last of my worries. Before I left for work I did manage to do some more cleaning in which I threw out some old magazines that I should have gotten rid of years ago. Saving old computer magazines is pointless, with most of the articles sadly out of date and filled with what is now useless information. ... I do and don't know why I let myself get so upset on Monday. Failing that exam keeps making me wonder if perhaps I have reached some sad plateau in my career. I mean maybe I am going in the wrong direction. Then I start to think some more and know that the only one putting pressure on me to take the exam is myself. Work hasn't given any incentive nor have they suggested to take it. I'm the one putting myself in this position. At the moment money seems to be the primary factor for me wanting to get another job. There could be worse reasons, but I just don't know if I really need more than one to leave. Then the matter of what will happen next with school being still up in the air doesn't help either. I want my life to change yet both of these options are at a standstill for the moment. Suddenly everything seems to be a matter of time and waiting. I do not like to wait. Very little in my life is certain beyond the fact that I'm not living out of some old cardboard box and eating dogfood. Okay, maybe that wasn't funny, but I tend to go to extremes. Why I feel the need to complain is beyond me. It isn't as though I am suffering fom a disease or something much more noteworthy. I'm just feeling restless and discontent again and I can't seem to figure out how to change that fact. Australia seems so far away at this point and to think that I was much more busy planning my trip to Europe at this time last year. Obviously things have changed in a year. Instead of just working I am busy juggling class and the damn exam that should and will change my life. Here I thought that I was doing well with my time management skills. ... Once again class went very well this morning. Class discussion dealt with the dual if not closely related topics of sadism and masochism in Great Expectations. The article we had been assigned to read argued that Pip was drawn towards masochism and as a result never achieved his great expectations. I could understand the thought behind the article, but I still believe more in the concept of moral codes and his failing to understand them as being the cause of his downfall. He was never able to read people as well as say Mr. Jaggers did. Nor was Pip as confident in his beliefs as either Joe or Magwitch. Both of those men knew where they stood in life. Pip didn't know what to believe except for the odd fantasies that he had about his great expectations. Pip is indecisive to me, not a masochist. Then again I suppose that one could argue that those two things could also go together. I'm not saying that Pip is the classic hero. He isn't. I just don't see him as someone who willingly seeks out pain no matter what his sister may have done to him when he was little. Nor do I think that he is drawn to Estella because she is cruel to him. I held back from commenting for most of the class and then when I did I started out by saying to the instructor that her and I almost always disagree. She agreed and both of us laughed, because that was what we did most of last semester. ... A friend at work is convinced that I'll be dating Miss Z. by the end of the semester, because I mention her almost everyday and this may or may not be true. I think it was the instructor who started to expand upon the idea of an unhealthy sexual relationship between Pip and Magwitch in the cemetery and I made the crude comment that that was why Magwitch held Pip upside down. Everyone in class looked at me when I said it. Then later Miss Z. said the exact same thing again and looked directly at me when she said it. Never mind about what Pip and Magwitch might have done, part of me was ready to hold her upside down at that moment after the look that she gave me. I can't remember the last time a woman gave me that kind of look. There was a second less sexual exchange between Miss Z. and myself about Mr. Jaggers. I feel that he is one of the strongest if not most interesting characters in the book. He has the ability to look right through people and see them for what they really are despite anything that they might say to the contrary. She however thought that he was a heartless asshole. We did agree on one thing though. She said that she thought that Miss Havisham in the South Park episode was modeled after Bea Arthur, which was exactly what I thought. The more that I argue with her, the more that I have to get to know her outside of class. Now does this make me a masochist or am I the sadist here? I'll never know unless I ask her out.
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