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nothing happy here Thoughts of death, dying and illness have still been going through my mind. My sister called while I was sleeping to tell me that my grandma had moved two of her fingers and mouthed some words. That was good news. Actually they are saying that she will come out of it now, but at the same time this will take weeks if not months and she will never be the same. I had thought about going to see her today or maybe on Monday, but when I spoke with my mom she could tell that I was hesitating and I think that she knew why. For me hospitals equate death and I cannot be persuaded from that opinion. Yes, some people do get better when they go to a hospital and people give birth there, but at the same time many other people die there. Whenever I set foot in a hospital all that I can feel is death in the air. Images of the plague and other things of that nature go through my mind. It doesn't matter that the plague is almost non-existent today; I still get that feeling of doom. Each room houses someone waiting to die or has a good chance of dying. All of what happens at a hospital strikes me as the opposite of being human. People there are hooked to machines and have unnatural things done to them or coursing through them to keep them alive. All of it makes me sick. For me medicine really isn't that far from being magic. There are still so many things about the human body that mankind and its medicine does not fully understand. Yes, things are better than they were centuries ago, but my trust is still very limited. After some more talking, my mom said that I didn't have to visit yet and that I shouldn't feel guilty. It might be too soon for me and she went on to say that she had told my grandma's sister not to come yet. Quite simply my grandma looks nothing like herself and may not be the same for some time. A good example would be the conversations that my mom has with my grandma. My mom talks and hopes that my grandma is listening. There is very little else that they can do. Yes, I know that it might help on some level and I have seen all of the trite made for television movies when people talk to their loved ones in a coma, but this is not television. This isn't fiction. This is a person who has been in my life for longer than I can remember. Ann could see my point of view and she even said that she had problems with an open casket. Why would she want that to be her last memory of the person that she knew? I remember attending my grandpa's funeral and how odd it was to see him that way (Yes, this is the man who was married to my grandma. I am not switching sides of the family here.) He looked dead, not peaceful. Part of me was happy that he was gone. He wasn't the same for years and any time in the hospital would have been too much for both him and me. When I my dad's father died less than a year ago it was different. There was no funeral, but when I last saw him alive I could tell that he wouldn't last long. He knew that he was dying and I knew that he was dying. When I die I don't want to be buried. I want them to throw me in the fire. Light me. Put me on a Viking ship and set it ablaze. Nor do I ever want to spend weeks in a hospital hooked to a machine. If I were ever told that I had cancer, I would not go through any kind of chemical and or radiation treatment. I would just ask how much time that I had left and go from there. I don't want strangers poking me in my final hours. Nor do I want my last few days on the planet stuck in some hell on earth known to some as a hospital room. ... The above was written somewhere in the early morning hours at work. By the time that I left work I was feeling much more positive about things. I even thought about taking a small trip out to California for a few days just to get away from everything. Before I left work Nicole and I had talked about her birthday and she couldn't give me any suggestions for a present. I am still going to get her something. Things were even more calm at home and I managed to sleep for a glorious nine hours. The first four hours were spent on the couch but I woke up and moved to the bedroom for the final five. It was the most sleep that I had had in days.
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