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thinking out loud Most of this week was a blur for me and I hope that I don't repeat the process next week or at the very least I hope that I have more fun next week. Almost every moment of my time was occupied by something and there was very little time to think. Today was the first chance that I could just sit and try to put some of it into perspective. Time for a quick review of the past five days or so. Tuesday and Wednesday were spent watching my niece, which was nice but draining at the same time. Then Thursday was all about trying to get back the sleep that I had lost the two previous days. Friday consisted of a less than impressive play and some mild conflict at work. Now I know that life has its dull moments, but I can't seem to remember the last time that I had fun which is not a good thing. Looking back at this year I can't see that many high points and I am beginning to get impatient. ... The more I think about school this semester, the more I start to wonder if it is worth my time. To put it another way, I'm not sure if I am building towards anything. Going there does help in some ways, but if a certain plan falls through this might be the last semester that I can take without officially being in a program. I don't want it to be a dead end. I seem to have enough of those in life already. Another reason for not going would be that I could put my school money towards my vacation which I know I will enjoy. Now this may or may not be a long term versus short term goal scenario. In theory school could pay off in the long run, but I also feel as though I am running out of time and I want to enjoy life rather than always building toward something that may never happen. Maybe the first day of class will let me make a better decision. ... Nicole and her fiance seem to be getting along better these days which is good for them, but not so good for me. My time with Nicole seems to be shrinking, but I suppose that that is bound to happen. Her life is hers and I am only a small part of it. Then again I'm not quite sure why I let this get to me as much as I do. I mean at the end of the day she goes home with him and not me. There was a small amount of mild hostility between her fiance and me last night and I'm not sure whether it was all in my head or not. He kept asking to take care of some things that he could have done himself and I was wondering why. Then to watch him go off with Nicole while I was busy working really started to annoy me. Now that I look at this some more it all sounds very junior high. Her birthday is next week and I still plan on getting her something. Last year I went all out and made a serious effort to make her feel silly and special at the same time. I still have the photos that I took of her and I think that both of us had a good time. ... Almost a thousand miles overdue, I got the oil changed on my car this morning. Thankfully it went smoother than I had imagined. Maybe living closer to the dealership is better. After that chore was done it was off to the library to return some movies. I walked out empty handed which was fine with me. I have enough to read at home and my old library is miles from where I live now. Sooner or later I am going to have to get used to the smaller library next to my house. Convenience has to better than gas mileage and a bigger selection is what I keep telling myself. Somehow that doesn't ring true. ... Summer called me late this morning to cancel our plans for the evening. I guess that I wasn't that surprised, but at the same time I wish that she would give a little more. Then again the cliche says that people never change. Damn, just call me Mister Sunshine. ... My horoscope for today read: You don't know whether you should take another risk. If you stay too close to home, where everything is safe and sound, you will be happy, but not ecstatic. If you search beyond the horizon and look for new ways to express old emotions, new growth will result. You need to remember that you are a dynamic being and what you call a failure somebody else is going to call life experience. Trust yourself a little more.
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