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pink blue snow A bad dream woke me at three-thirty this morning. My grandma was shoveling snow and I was happy to see her well again. Then as I was about to say hello she fell backwards and that was enough to tear me from the dream. I didn't need to see the impact or know how far she fell, because seeing her hurt in the waking world is enough for me. I suppose that one could ask how far could a person fall while shoveling snow, but that doesn't matter. I guess that I could also mention that she was standing on a pier of some sort when she fell, but that wasn't the point of the dream as far as I see it. Obviously I am worried that she might get worse instead of better. ... Once I was awake some of my positive mood from Sunday returned. For me those early morning hours are the best part of the day and I always feel very productive before the sun has risen. Then I was rewarded with a view of the sun casting a glow on the roof across the street. making the snow turn a subtle blend of pink and blue. Sadly by ten in the morning my good mood faded as though it had never existed. ... Early in the afternoon I went to visit with my grandma as I have been doing for the past month on Monday. She was awake and very talkative. In fact I think that she was probably the most alert that I had ever seen her since she got there. In some ways that was a bad thing. She knows that she has been there a month and it is starting to get to her. In the beginning there was still some confusion on her part as to what had happened to her. The stroke had in effect scrambled her memory and made everything seem less real. Now all of that has changed. She knows where she is and is worrying that she might never escape. Yes, I said escape, because it really must feel like a prison to her in so many ways. She has to ask people to help her do some of the most basic things that a person does without thinking. For example, she can not go to the bathroom unaided. She can not stand. She can not dress herself. All that she can do is wait for someone else to do these things for her. I try to remain positive and not feel so awkward when she thanks me for coming to see her. All that I can think is how could I not go to see a person who has done so much for me?
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