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always walking somewhere I probably wasn't too clear yesterday. What I was trying to say is that when I am at work I feel as though I am wasting my time. The company however tries to feed me a line saying that what they have to offer is meaningful and one of the best things for me. I disagree and will never be persuaded to think otherwise. At the moment that is how I feel five days a week and I seem to be unable to escape. No wonder I feel depressed. Sometimes I feel as though I am in the midst of a cult and they are trying to brainwash me on a daily basis, but they never succeed. My boss wants me to be motivated, but I find that to be next to impossible when he makes conflicting statements about what he expects from me and and regularly breaks promises. Respect is not a word that I use with him. Personally I know that I am smarter than him and that makes listening to him that must more painful. Maybe this sounds arrogant again, but there is no way that I could commit myself to my current employer for the next thirty years of my life. By that time I would insane and honestly need to be commited then. ... In a recent entry Alan said some key things about Henry Rollins who I admire to a degree. He said: "the danger of using henry rollins as a role model is that he is a desperately lonely fucked-up middle-aged man unable to form an intimate connection with another human being. sure, he's getting by, but would you want a life like his? i wouldn't. there's always a happy medium." Well. I can see what Alan means, but at the same time Henry seems more alive to me than other people that are offered up as inspirational. Rollins has said a number of things that make sense to me and I will admit that he has influenced me, but I'm not him. First of all I won't be forming my own company called 12.6.69 any time soon, nor do I think that I am desperately lonely and unable to connect. Yes, I will freely admit that I am not like most people, but there are people in my life that can make me smile and Nicole would certainly be one of them. Sadly Nicole is not with me though so there is a limit to what we can share with one another. Okay. I realize that Alan wasn't comparing me to Henry, but at the same time I felt the need to defend Henry. As I said, there are far worse people in the world and if I don't get married within the next three years it probably won't happen. Damn. That was an odd transition, but stay with me. I might reach a point somewhere in the next few paragraphs. I've read so many journals and personal ads written by women describing what they want from a man and I often wonder what kind of fantasy world they dwell in. The men that they describe as their ideal mate do not exist. Maybe that is why the word ideal is used. I don't know. Then I start to wonder if they create their own misery. Deep breath. On the surface my life is fairly good. I have a steady job that pays the bills and lets me indulge in a few things. I am healthy and have a family that loves me. So why would I complain? I need a woman to share my life with would be the answer given by society. I need to make that next step is what they say. Sigh. Honestly I am tired of games and really don't have time to search out someone. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to hold and tell stories with at home, but there are times when I feel as though that that moment has passed already. Shit. I wanted to say something positive today. Maybe I'll get it right tomorrow.
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