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loss of direction September is here and I'm not sure what that means to me. What was true for me in the past doesn't seem to apply this year. Nothing is obvious to me anymore. Yes, school starts this week, but I won't be attending. Soon the weather will start to get cooler, but I haven't spent that much time outside this summer so that may or may not affect my daily habits. Then when October rolls around this will be my third year at my place and I doubt that I will be moving any time in the near future. All of these changes and or events are happening, but my life seems to be standing still again and that does bother me. The question that I keep asking myself is what do I want to do next? Back in May when school and the internship ended, I wanted nothing more than a chance to relax and forget about being productive. What that meant is that summer became a time of not caring and or thinking too hard about my life and where I was heading. Sitting outside for hours doing nothing was fine. Oh, there were some productive events such as my third trip to Europe, moving my parents to their newly built home, seeing my sister briefly come home from Iraq, a couple of trips to northern Wisconsin and a wedding to attend, but none of those things moved my life forward in any way. Now here I am sliding into the end of the year without any real plan for what I want to do the next four months. My one goal for the rest of this year was to save money for China next year, but the temptation to spend is so strong when there is nothing else distracting me. Without school monopolizing my time, I find myself lingering at Amazon and adding more and more things to my wishlist. Thankfully I haven't bought anything, but why spend the time there in the first place. Why should I look when I'm not going to buy or look until I do decide to buy? Online auctions have also been a good way to kill time and sadly spend money. At one time I had hoped to sell things there, but my comic book auctions found no buyers. The only auction that made me any money was for a Christmas gift that I had bought for my sister not knowing that she already owned it. Spending thirty dollars at the bookstore when I already have a stack of books at home to read doesn't upset me. Plus without the need to write a tuition check, I can feel all of that extra money weighing on me. Should I finally get a new computer? Should I invest in some stocks? Should I buy a new car? Should I put more towards my mortgage? The worst part is that I haven't reached an answer yet. Instead of thinking, I spend a fair amount of my time downloading songs and reading. Now both of those activities are fine, but I need to find a better balance between being productive and not caring about what I do with my life. Oh, I did do one productive thing today, but I wasn't happy with the results. I called the courthouse about that small claims case and they said that they did not have the paper dismissing me from the case on file. I would have to send them a copy to have me removed. Now that was expected, but still very frustrating for me. At least the grocery shopping and laundry went well for me today, because I needed something positive to happen no matter how small after that sad little conversation. |