Tracy Revisited

Renee asked me if I was holding back in the online journal. Well talking about Tracy can be hard at times. How can I possibly sum up all of the feelings that I had when we were together. This is one year of my life that I am trying to describe in a few paragraphs. Plus I already have two hand written journals devoted to her. For clarity here are some more details of Tracy and I to read and understand

We met at a wedding in October of 1995. I was a groomsman and she was the cousin of the bride. After the wedding rehearsal, they held a bonfire. I was drinking at the bonfire and slightly bored. The only people that I knew were the bride and groom. Then I saw this leather jacket and boots clad woman wandering around the fire. The flames amplified the color of her red hair as she circled it. She was loud and talking to whoever would listen. Soon she made her way toward me. She asked if anyone was sitting next to me. Stumps had been provided for seating. I said that Steve (the groom) was sitting there. She seemed surprised and walked away. Duh, I am so dense that I didn't realize that she was flirting with me. For the female portion of the audience I am a little slow to notice these things at times.

Eventually, she made her way back to me and sat down. We talked. Small talk. She was complaining about her life and how she was trying to change it. I sympathized and told her to think better of herself. Anyone can change their life if they want to change.

Soon the bonfire wore down and people started to leave. She offered to give me a ride to my hotel. I said sure. I was single and I was drinking. Then as I am climbing into her car, I notice that Steve is giving me a real funny look. I walk over to him and ask him what is wrong. He tells me that she is married and has a child.

Okay. What do I do? Do I walk away and ride with Steve? No, I am only human so I climbed into the car with her. The female portion of the audience can feel free to send the hate mail now.


This is only the beginning you have to remember. We did have a very serious relationship for a year. I have had a great deal of time to think about what had happened between us. Some would say that we were doomed because our relationship started under stress. Others will say that she was looking for an escape from her marriage. Her husband just said that I wanted sex. There are so many answers. So many opinions.

All of our conversations still play over and over in my mind. What could have been done to make it better? What went wrong? I was accused of playing mind games. She would lie to me and break her word more than once. I have to stop because I am getting ahead of myself.

True, this might be seen as pandering to the audience, but she had an incredible impact on me. So much so that I have not dated anyone since her. Yes, this was a year ago. I really needed to rebuild my life and think about what was important to me again. Where was I going? What did I want from life?

All of my female friends said that I had a ready made family when I started to see Tracy. Yes, I had many female advisors at the time. Some of them were divorced themselves who warned me about what Tracy might do.

Do I regret being with her? No. There were times that I felt very alive and content with her. I moved her and her son in with me with every intention of being with her for years. I knew that it would be a struggle. On one hand we worked through so much together. She also dragged me through a lot of other things that really didn't involve me. There was her massive debt problem and disregard for holdinga job. Her immaturity and the soon-to-be-ex-husband were also important factors in our relationship.


I need to go to sleep, because I have to clean the house before I leave tonight.

It will take days for me to tell the whole story. I am not trying to ridicule her. Then again I have no idea what she says about me. There are two sides to every story. I doubt that she is on the web though. She hated computers which was just one of many glaring contrasts between us.

This is not a story. This is my past.

 

yesterday

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