Much More Gray

The morning commute into work is my time to think, because no one else can bother me. The crux of the following entry was formed during the morning commute.

Being with Brenda is hard to explain. Why would it be hard to explain? I'm in love aren't I? Yes, I am, but its still hard to explain why.

Brenda has put some pressure on me and asked me things that I can't really answer. She wants to know if I really believe in us and how long we are going to be together. I could say years, but that might make a liar out of me somewhere down the line. I just want to enjoy the moment and not over analyze what is happening. This might be wrong, but sometimes you have to take chances. Things might happen or change with time. I am not going to make any promises or create any false hopes. Maybe I expect the worst, but for now it is good and I don't want to ruin it.

She wanted to know why I was attracted to her. Now this is always a dangerous question. Her self esteem is on the line and in some ways the future of us seeing one another is at stake. Plus its hard to be reasonable with a woman in love. Reason has been left somewhere far behind.

I guess its the little things that she does when I am around her that make me happy. I like listening to her talk about her job and her day. She has to be one of the most animated people I know when she talks.

I like the familiarity. The fact that we both went to the same college and have lived in the same city for most of our lives gives us something in common. We've been exposed to the some of the same values and beliefs. Our experiences are similar, but still different enough to keep it interesting.

Sometimes she can seem so young and innocent and then she comes back with a sarcastic comment that makes me laugh.

Sometimes she goes too far into the future and I try to minimize these things. For instance, she talks about how she feels about having children. I am glad that she is up front about those things, but there is a time and a place. I mean just last night she pointed out that we have only been seeing one another for a little over a week.

None of this is coming out as smooth as it was in my head during the morning commute into work. It flowed inside my head and made sense. Here it seems more muddled. My point is that there are very few things in this world that are black and white. Being in love is not one of them, or at least not for me. There are a lot of gray areas for me. I just don't want Brenda to have any false expectations from me. No, I am not leaving her, which is what she fears the most at this moment.

Physically speaking Brenda is the same height as me, which is nice. Sometimes I get tired of hearing women complain about how short they are and how people tease them about it. The last two girlfriends were shorter than me and mentioned this fact every so often. It got old real fast. Then of course there is the cliche of staring up into the eyes of the man that you love. Well, Brenda and I see eye to eye, so I guess that we can forget about that rule.

Without a doubt, she is much more of a business oriented person than I am. She seems to be willing to climb the corporate ladder to get what she wants. Remember she did say that she was spoiled. This doesn't bother me though. She has done very well for herself and I know that she will keep doing well for herself. Plus her job doesn't come into conflict with mine.

Her job works well for her, but I would never want it. As much as I complain about a straight nine to five job, her hours are even worse. Some days she works from six to two and them maybe noon to nine the next day. No thank you. I won't even get into why I am not a people person, but I will say that the customer is not always right.

I was only fifteen minutes late to work this morning. Leaving from her house tacks an additional ten to fifteen minutes on my commute. Plus everyone was moving slow, because the roads were still slippery.

Work was another exercise in frustration today. I had absolutely nothing to do today. This combined with the fact that I wasn't feeling that well this afternoon made me want to leave early. Nick talked me out of it. I just find it hard to create little projects for myself. I would prefer to go home and do something for myself. I did manage to read some more of the Orson Welles biography though.