I'm So Tired

I managed to sit through part of the Super Bowl last night and it was fairly painless. Now I am waiting for all of the fanatics here in Milwaukee to take down all of the paraphernalia. Time to put away all of the Packer propaganda. The world keeps going even though the Packers lost. It always amazes me how many people regress when it comes to watching sports.

Last night Brenda and I sorted out what really bothered her about the computer and me. It wasn't so much that I am on the computer, but that I don't seem that eager to see her after work. In her mind, I seem to be stalling before I come over to see her. She said that when I was with Tracy I came straight home from work. I then pointed out that I had very little choice, because that was where I lived and I was working second shift.

Brenda and I are operating under very different circumstances than the ones that Tracy and I had when we were together. We both have good paying jobs and apartments of our own. I plan on keeping it that way for a long time. There are times when she can be very lucid, but other times I seem to be on the edge of some emotional whirlpool of non-reason.

She couldn't understand why I gave so much of myself to someone who did so little for me. Now when I have someone who does so much for me, why do I do so little in return for that person. In some ways, she may have answered her own question. I do hold back now, because I have had it used against me. Sometimes the defenses are still in place. These may or may not be legimate concerns that surface now and again.

My biggest complaint with Brenda and me would be the lack of sleep that I get now. She seems to think that I'll be fine with just three hours of sleep. Only once has she gone to work before me. My weekends don't count either. The rest of the time she gets about two to three hours of more sleep than I do. A night alone at my house might not be a bad idea. My only problem is how do I propose this idea without her getting the wrong impression or feeling hurt. Here I go again putting someone else's needs and concerns before mine.

This morning I was really dragging, because she kept waking me up this morning. She had no idea when she had to go into work this morning, so she kept calling work until someone finally answered. On the first two attempts, she didn't realize what time it was or she would have known that no one would have been there yet. I thought that I was a sound sleeper, but it is hard to sleep when she keeps getting in and out of bed. She did all of this about an hour or so before I had to get up.

I still like my place and miss it from time to time. So much of myself is invested in where I live. Not only do I miss the physical space, I also need my personal time. When we are together we do so much within a short span of time and this made most of January a blur for me. She is definitely a high energy person and I like to see myself as more of a laid back person.

People like to dispense advice about what I should do with my life, but the final decision lies with me. I suppose from the outside its easy to throw out a comment without really thinking about the consequences of it. There are times when I do see my life as a novel, but I don't need any ghost writers helping me.

Everyone at work was mature enough not to comment to my face at least about the two large hickeys near my collar that came into view every so often. When I did mention them to Nick, he said that he thought that I had cancer. Nick sure is funny.

Despite everything that I said today, I will probably go to her house tonight. I'll be fine as long as I get some sleep.