Sleeping Single

When I got to Brenda's house last night, she was busy doing some paperwork from work. I thought that this was great, because I was tired and it gave me a chance to read the New Yorker. Actually I was so tired that I was starting to get hyper active. She was doing her thing and I was doing mine. Everything seemed to be fine.

Later we ordered out and ate supper. Everything seemed to be fine.

We watched some television and she did some laundry. Everything seemed to be fine.

Then as I said before, I was tired and said that I wanted to go to bed. I asked her twice if that was okay. I also asked her if I was going to find her on the couch when I woke up in the morning. She said maybe, because she still had some laundry to do. I should have known then that I should not have gone to bed, because she was upset.

Now I know that I am moody person, but I didn't know that I was that big of an asshole. When I am tired, I don't talk that much. A woman at work said that when she is tired she doesn't talk that much, so I can't be that strange. Brenda had also made the comment that I had barely touched her most of the night. I don't know how much I can stress the point that I was tired. It was nothing against her.

I am starting to feel like the dumb guy from some sitcom except there isn't any laugh track to help me out.

I woke up at about two thirty this morning and of course she wasn't in bed. I lay there for a few minutes trying to figure out why she hadn't just woke me up and asked me to move over. Then I went to get her from the couch. There was no way that I could go back to sleep without her coming to bed. It would have bothered me for the rest of the night.

Since I went to sleep early, I also woke up early which makes sense. I did my usual routine of cereal in a bowl, while Pepper, her cat, runs around the kitchen and tries to drink the milk from the bowl. Then I went to lie down with Brenda for a while before I went to work.

When I said I was leaving, I asked if something was wrong. She said that she didnĚt want to talk about it now and we would talk about it later. This is not what I want to hear when I go to work. My job is not the intensive where I don't have time to think about other things. I was at work for all of half an hour before I had to call her and talk to her some more.

She didn't go into any details, but she said that she was hurt about the way I was last night. Once again she feels as though she is something that I have to work into my schedule. She feels like an obligation that I don't really want anymore. These are my words, not hers, but the tone is about the same I believe.

Maybe I'm not supposed to be with anyone. I did manage to live a year by myself and it didn't kill me. Yes, it would hurt for a while, but my life would go on without Brenda. It would also be a very long time before I even considered dating anyone again. More than likely I would go to California and hang out with Dan for a while. Then when I came back I would get a new job and start over again like I always do.

So here I sit at work this morning just going over it in my mind. I might not be that expressive in my writing, but I can create twenty different scenarios about what will happen tonight without even trying hard. Maybe I'm destined to repeat the same mistakes. I also keep wondering why I feel as though I am twelve years old again. She doesn't like me anymore.

Maybe people really don't grow up. Their bodies age, but not how they interact with other people. I remember watching a documentary on how a group of British schoolchildren were watched as they grew up. They were interviewed every seven years. It was called Seven and Up. It was here that I first heard that a person's personality is formed by the age of seven.

People spend so much time wondering about who they are and what they want from life. Then life just keeps on going on around them while they are thinking. Yes, I just paraphrased John Lennon there.

Maybe I take things too casually. I don't think that its strange that I sleep in her bed on a regular basis, because it seems very natural to me. I don't think that I take this fact lightly either. I certainly am not the kind of person that moves from bed to bed month after month. There are people that move from bed to bed night after night, but that isn't me.

Sometimes I wonder what Brenda did before she met me. True, she had her job to keep her busy. I also know that she spent quite a bit of time with her aunt. Brenda feels that her aunt is upset that we are seeing one another, because the two of them used to hang out. I don't really see that as my problem.

People need to surround themselves with other people. I seem to be the exception to the rule. There are times when I can barely tolerate people. Here I go sounding like some modern day hermit again.

I don't think Brenda realizes how special she is to me. I have a very select circle of friends and I don't see a lot of women. All of the women that I have been with affect me more than she can understand.

I am sure that some people think I should see more women or move on to someone else. I will admit that being with someone is not as certain for me as it is for women. Now some women take this statement the wrong way and we get a slew of male bashing books and programs. One woman accused me of leading Brenda on, which is really beyond me. I have no time for games. I think that it is interesting that a woman suggested that I was being misleading though. Tracy also said that I played mind games. Okay, it sounds like they have to label me in a certain way to feel better about themselves.

Brenda felt better that I was thinking about her this morning. In some ways, this reminds me of Tracy. Tracy's self esteem was built around me. Most of her life was built around the opinions of others.

An old boyfriend called Brenda last night, when I went to bed. He wanted her to come over. Of course she said no. She thought that the phone call was strange. What makes it even stranger for me is that this has happened to me before. One time in college a girl that I knew and me had just gotten back from a play when the phone rang. She answered the phone and said a few things. Then when she hung up the phone she started to cry. Then she started to kiss me, stopped and said that I better go home.

Mental baggage is a phrase that comes to mind. Mark and I were talking about this the other night. Women have a wide variety of mental baggage that men either have to carry or somehow throw overboard. Very seldom is there a happy medium. Unfortunately the older I get, the women have far more mental baggage than when they were younger. Its a vicious cycle. Some older men go for the younger women and end up giving them mental baggage. Then when the women get older they can't get rid of the mental baggage.

I am starting to wonder if Brenda doesn't understand me. That would make sense to me. Yes, here I am feeding my ego, but I will say it again. I am very unique. People may think they know someone just like me, but in the end they usually are wrong.

All of the above was written before noon or shortly thereafter today. I have decided to leave it as I wrote it with some minimal revisions. I certainly can ramble and I might be making something out of nothing.

Some of what I said sounds sexist, but all of it did go through my mind this morning.

In the interest of seeing things from her point of view, I probably have my share of emotional baggage. One girlfriend would cry and tell me weeks later why. Most of the truth came out years later when we were still friends. It seems she was on some medication at the time.

The other divorced woman that I saw used me and tried to make it seem as though she was the wronged party. To quote John Lennon once again, whatever gets you through the night. John may not be the best example for relationships, but he wrote some damn good songs.

Today at work, I got to reevaluate the responsibilities of my department. This meant pouring over a five page memo that someone else wrote months ago. Some of it was right, but other parts had been abandoned months ago.

I am over half way through the Orson Welles biography. I might actually finish a book this year.

Once again I worried about something all morning and it really wasn't worth my time. Brenda and I are fine.

Tomorrow I will be back to normal with a more compact entry.