You Heathen You

I can honestly say that Brenda is the best part of my life right now. It feels good to go home and see her every night. Some people might call this codependency and others might call it mothering, but I don't care. Its my life and I am the one living it.

Yesterday afternoon really went downhill for me at work. I had to do the scalp dance for another department before I left. After racing home I managed to upload a few lines to the journal. Then I calmed down enough to shave for Brenda and made it to her house where she was waiting for me with some chili.

Now maybe I am a moron, but I like coming home to the welcoming arms of a woman who loves me. A woman that cares about me and wants to be with me. This might seem sad to people, but I don't care.

I had managed to purge most of the anger that I had when I left work, because I donít want to dump that on her. She still understood, which is what I need sometimes. Its nicer to come home and talk with someone rather than stomping around my house looking for some kind of answer by myself.

Now I am going to borrow some more from pop culture, because that is where the youth of America forms their moral structure today. Sheryl Crow says in one her songs that "need is love and love is need."

I guess that this is as close to being a hippie as I get in life. Yes, it does feel good to be loved and to love someone back.

Time to take a breath and relax.

Now I am adult enough to realize that there is stress in life and a person has to learn how to deal with it. My point is that it is nice to have someone by your side to help.

Brenda and I realize that we are two very different people. Last night we were talking about us and our differences. She thought that it was better that she didnít know that much about art, because I have my opinions and she might disagree with them. This way she can politely nod her head and listen while I ramble on and on. Then for my part I can look attentive as she talks about staffing problems and budgeting problems. She jokingly said that she is going to get me to read the business section of the newspaper.

The girlfriend in college was a computer graphics major and even though we saw art differently we got along very well together. The two of us could discuss the same things for hours, but that isn't always enough in a relationship. Now that I look at it we were more friends than boyfriend and girlfriend.

Darcy, the college girlfriend, was also very money oriented like Brenda and was convinced that I would be poor the rest of my life and didnít feel like waiting around for me to catch up to her. Yes, this is my version of the story remember and she might tell the tale a little differently if she were here, but she isn't.

Before we parted for the last time, Darcy knew that I was moving into the field of computers and wondered whether or not I would be happy. She had known me as the art student. We had done projects side by side in the studio. I would paint while she worked on her airbrush project.

I guess my biggest complaint with Darcy was how little she seemed to care about what happened to me when I had done so much for her in college. She wanted me to get support from my parents rather than her. Now she may have a valid point, but it wasn't as though I was asking her to support me financially. I just wanted her feedback, which she was slow in giving at times. There are times when I wonder if things could have been different, but I moved into the world of Tracy shortly after and everything changed.

I know that Darcy cared, but it just wasn't enough. Maybe I'm just a needy little bastard and I'm not even on the ring. Despite everything that I have said, I still think very highly of Darcy and wonder what happened to her from time to time. The last I knew she was in Minneapolis doing advertising for a cosmetics firm.

Whew, time for another break.

Last night was another quiet night of Scrabble and a movie. Aren't we cute?

Iím amazed at how much my life has changed within the past month. I think nothing of going over to her house on an almost daily basis. This may or may not be healthy, but its what I do. The pace has increased so much that I really enjoy the slow nights like last night, where she fell asleep next to me on the couch. I need nights like that to balance out the rest of the week.

If I might delve into the self help mode once again, I have read that people need some quiet time in a day to maintain a healthy frame of mind. A person can not be on the go every single moment without expecting some kind of repercussions.

I am sure that some people think that Brenda might drag me down a path that I don't want to go. What about my art and writing? What about what I like to do? Compromise is all that I am going to say.

The only problem that I see is that what I like to do is more solitary. Its hard to share a book at the same time with someone else. Its hard to convey the feeling that I get from painting to another person. Its hard to relate what a book or film means to me and have the other person experience it in the same way.

Here I have this woman showering me with attention and Iím trying to think of some way to repay her. Its hard. One would think that I would have a better idea on how to react to something like this now that I am twenty eight. I must have learned something over the past twenty years of my life. Maybe I didnít.

Yes, there are times when I push her to see what will happen. I know that I can be hard to deal with at times and I am not always a pleasant person to be around. Maybe I am trying to shatter any illusions that she might have about me. Now all of this might sound cruel, but I know that two people can not always be around one another and be happy at the same time. Problems are going to happen.

Now I may not have solved anything with this entry, but it felt good to write. In some ways, I think that I waver as much as a woman. Others might see this as playing mind games, but I don't think so.

Oh, a few people have asked if Brenda is aware of this journal. The answer is no. She knows that I am online on a daily basis, but I have never really said what I do. Maybe this is being deceptive, but I most of what I talk about here, we have discussed.