The Endless Cycle

Yesterday's entry was a little rushed and more fragmented than usual, but it was Tuesday and I didn't really have that much to say. This project may not be among the best written journals on the ring, but I like to think that it still reflects who I am and that is all that matters to me. This might just be me feeding my ego, but sometimes it feels good to be selfish. True, the casual reader might have to read somewhat beyond what I have written, but not everything in life is readily understood either.

If anything is true about me, its that I sometimes get caught in a routine. I tell myself that its only human to seek something that makes me happy and this might include structure. However the problem is that routine soon becomes tedious and then I start to feel like the title of this journal. I also need some change in my life.

There are days when I fool myself into thinking that my job provides enough change for me. If it really did I doubt that I would be sitting here writing this entry.

Everyday I seem to talk about the same things. I guess that this makes sense, because a person asks the same questions all of their life until they get an answer.

When I was in college, the theme of my only show was about the monotony of the work force. Professors suggested the Chaplin film Modern Times, when I started to talk about my series. Even then I had problems attaching too much intellectual baggage to art. Sometimes I just wanted to paint to see what would happen. My masterpiece painting at that time was really my warped impression of a summer job that I had for two summers.

I have always thought that art takes on a life of its own. My paintings are a part of me, but they can exist without me and mean different things to other people when they see them.

For me the journal is not just airing dirty laundry. Its my small feeble attempt to be creative when my job takes all of my time away from me. The journal gives me something to look forward to on a daily basis more so than my job. There are days where it even builds discipline and gives me some insight into myself. Each day I sit at a keyboard and try to record what was important to me about the day. More often than not it takes on the form of verbal shorthand for me. Details are lost and events are told out of order, and it becomes something else when it gets uploaded.

I have never adopted any kind of persona when I write here. This is me making mistakes and trying to be heard maybe. Like most people I like attention every so often and this journal meets that need.

Work is becoming more and more mind numbing and is a definite part of the routine that I need to break free from very soon. California Dan called to give me one more chance at the road trip across America idea, but I turn into a middle aged man and say that I have too many obligations now. Ugh.

When did my job become so important to me? Is money that important to me? Have I grown that used to structure? Have I really gotten old?

The days where I just want to stand up and walk out of work and never come back are happening more often. I have to move on. I wonder how many times I will beat this death in the journal until I finally follow through on it.

I probably add to my own misery at work. There are opportunities to learn new things, but sometimes I can't seem to find the motivation to get involved. When I started working here, I knew in the back of my mind that I would only last three years at the most. Well, I am nearing the half way point and I am beginning to think that three years is far too long. I am also starting to wonder if it is time for a lateral shift in my career.

Planning the future has never been my strong point. More often than not I simply go with the flow. I drift and this doesn't really seem to bother me.

At least work was stress free today.

Maybe I just like to whine every once in a while.