All by Myself

Brenda left for Minneapolis this morning. I dropped her off at the Best Buy parking lot where she met her ride and they left from there. Of course it had to rain and snow today, so I have no idea how long it will take them to get there.

This will be the most time that I have had by myself since Brenda and I started seeing one another. As she reminded me, it has been two months now to the day. Its too early to comment on how I feel about her being away. I could say that I miss her, but that would be too simple.

I really did work myself into a lather the other day over my job, but this is not unusual for me. When my last job was driving me insane I complained day after day until it almost started to affect my health. The transition was made a little easier because my old company was being bought out by another one and everyone knew that their job was in jeopardy. This knowledge that I would have to leave by another hand gave me another incentive to leave. I prefer leaving by choice rather than being asked to leave by the company.

Selling myself is not an easy thing for me. I know what I can and can not do, its just that I have to go through the awful formality of it all which includes making appointments for interviews and then talking about who I am and what I want in a job. All of this talking gets old real fast and I am not an actor.

I would think that it would get better the more that I interview. All that I know is that it adds to my stress level. Now when I go to work I can feel better knowing that I am looking for something else, but I have to find time to go to an interview.

Brenda suggested that I find something that I know I will like for the next five years or so. I really wish that it were that easy. Changing jobs is not something that I enjoy.

Today was a real struggle for me. I had the whole day to myself and I had to think about work or how to escape work. My job was ruining my weekend even as I am trying to find a way to leave it behind me. I would cry that its unfair, if it didn't sound so silly and pointless.

Brenda is supportive, but I can see the business part of her wondering what I am going to do.

The resume is almost ready to go and I have a form cover letter at about the same stage, but they probably won't go in the mail until Tuesday. Its been over a year since I had to do this dance and its still awkward. Whatever I do will change my life for the next few years and I want to do it right. Most of my life has been me drifting from here to there. Jobs were just something that I had to do to stay alive and that attitude has to change. The job has to be different this time.

I hope that my mood is better tomorrow.