Some False Hopes

I realize that I will not find a new job over night, but I am going to keep looking. This is something that I need to do, because I want something more from a job. I can rattle off the different kinds of automatic banking machines there are in the country and how much money they can dispense and why. The problem is that I don't care, because its all so transitory and meaningless to me. I move money which for me is really just another abstract. Without a doubt I could leave the field of electronic file transfers all together and not care. I wouldn't even look back. I wonder if I could be any more negative?

Next week I am going to get in contact with a headhunter firm and have them look for me. I should get a higher salary and I am willing to relocate. Consulting is the answer my friend. This nine to five thing is killing me. The semi fascist talk about the good of the company and the petty politics annoys me more than I can describe. I want to be free. I want a job where I go and do the work just for a few months and then leave. After I leave, I embark on a month long vacation to somewhere. On the vacation I write and paint and think about life in general. This is my life and I like to think that I have some amount of free will.

In blunt terms this job does not suit my personality. Due to my college career, I can stand things for only so long. I need a change every few months. Business does not change. It moves so slowly. Things have to be discussed. Plans have to be made. In college you have an assignment, you do it and then you move on to another assignment. There is no time to linger and debate.

Something is really lacking in my life and now with Brenda gone it seems even worse. There may be times when she does take too much out of me, but I also draw some energy from her. She is so hyperactive when she gets home from work, which might explain why she has some beer after work. Its the only thing that can calm her down. I miss seeing that energy from her. Having her around me makes me feel better.

The fact that Brenda got so upset on Monday doesn't really bother me. I knew that she would react like she did. It feels good to have someone that cares that much about me. Some might see it as unhealthy, but I don't care.

I see that I am not the only one who has chosen the one year limit on the online journal. Scott was one of the first journals that I read when I started months ago. Geographically he is close to me, but in terms of personality we are very different. His journal seems far more upbeat than mine.

Now for some details of what I do when Brenda is not around. Quite simply I feed her cat and myself and watch a small amount of television. Now for some greater detail I have devoted a paragraph to each of the above mentioned items.

Pets are very much like their owners. Pepper, Brenda's cat, is just like her. Pepper got so upset when she thought that I was leaving for the night last that she ate all of her food and then promptly puked it back out. This is the second time that I seen Pepper do this since I have been with Brenda.

Last night I watched Dawson's Creek which is Warner Brothers response to Party of Five. Both of these programs are targeting the same key audience. Some people might see them as teen emotional drivel, but I prefer them over a sitcom.

While watching television I ate a plate full of onion rings, a food best eaten alone. The whole apartment really stunk and I had to light some candles to kill the smell, because I couldn't stand it myself.

I think that I should note that most of today's entry was written throughout the day. My mood changes as the day moves forward. Morning depression is followed by afternoon boredom. The boredom gives way to the hope that I will be going home soon. Then I ride the current of traffic home, sort through my mail and upload an entry for the night. After the entry upload, I leave for Brenda's place where I feed Pepper and myself.

This might be the longest entry since I started this humble little project. The prose hasn't gotten any better and thoughts come and go at random. Things are left unexplained and I use very few adjectives, but I am still having fun because writing is cheap therapy compared to drugs or paying a professional to listen to me babble.

I haven't mentioned that I decided to hang maps to decorate the walls of my cube. These are historical maps from National Geographic telling me about ancient Mesoamerica and what routes famous world explorers took on their journeys. There are days when I learn more from the maps than anything from my job.

All I want for Christmas is an Olmec head to display in my front lawn with pride. Of course, I would be more than willing to have an Easter Island statute to put next to it.