Heart of Darkness

There are times when I probably add to my own misery. I over emphasize the wrong things in my life and create more stress than necessary. My stress levels have been very high lately and they really shouldn't be. From the outside very little has changed. I still have the same job that I have had for over a year now. The relationship between Brenda and me has remained the same, but yet I seem to be under more stress than ever.

All of this stress has manifested itself as tension in my neck and back. To be more accurate my whole body has a dull ache about it. The eccentric in me would like a sensory deprivation tank right about now.

Last night was some serious talking between Brenda and I about us. She said that things would be different if we lived together. She said that the only reason that she is so selfish with my time now is that we live apart and work such different schedules. My biggest concern was that all of what I consider to be me would be lost in her somewhere.

I keep thinking that Brenda has all of these expectations of me. Then I let these fears paralyze me and instead of being someone that can help me she becomes another concern of mine. This is wrong and I hope that we have finally resolved these issues.

I told her that I need time by myself. I also tried to explain that all of this is coming from someone who lived for over a year by himself. There were days when I didn't talk to anyone. I was still working three days a week shift and on my days off I would just grab a book and hang out on my deck.

I haven't been anything other than myself the whole time that we have been seeing one another. I eat the same, talk the same and sleep the same. I changed nothing about myself except trying to make her happy and wondering if I was succeeding.

Brenda did point out that one of my short comings is my lack of patience and this is true. My tolerance for certain people and things is low at times. This coupled with the fact that I usually can be quite sensitive makes one of my outbursts seem all that more devastating.

Just so everyone knows, I do what some people might consider overbearing. I call Brenda at her work when I am at work on an almost daily basis. We just talk about how out days are going and what we are going to have for supper and so on. These phone calls means lot to me. They help me get through the day and let me remember that better things exist outside of my cube.

I really wanted to respond to what Alan had written the other day about the liberal arts. For the most part, I agree with what he said. If someone asked me what to do to get a good career, I would tell them to go to a two year technical college and get a degree in computer science. I would also tell them to intern somewhere while they were going to school to get some real world experience. Despite all of this sound advice that I would give someone else, I do not regret having my degree in art and English. I realize that most people could wipe their ass with that piece of paper and some people have told me so to my face.

The fact that I am working in a technical field without having a degree in it gives me satisfaction. I know that I can wipe my ass with most technical jobs. Most of what I do was self taught or readily learned on the job. Being involved in computers doesnít make me feel any more special. I do it because I refuse to be poor.

I may be a liberal arts person now, but I started out in the sciences. The reason I changed direction was because the sciences at the college level bored me to death. Its was all so dry. Maybe research would be exciting, but I think that most technical jobs have to be routine in order to be utilized by business. Maybe I am wrong. I am sure that there are great technical jobs where exciting new things happen every week, but I haven't seen them. Then again maybe I didn't want to look that hard.

Comparing a technical job with something in the liberal arts is not really fair, but life isn't fair either. All that I know is that I consider the creative process to be more valuable than the business world gives it credit. Yes, I live within a world of my own creation, but there could be worse fates.

Besides the Dinesen books that I bought the other day, I also bought a copy of the Joseph Conrad novel, Heart of Darkness. This has been on my reading list for some time now. Some critics consider it to be one the definitive books of the century. Obviously the Africa motif continues with this book, but that is where the parallel ends. Conrad is not happy reading even though it is partly autobiographical.

From what I understand Conrad condemns the whole concept of empire that existed when he wrote the book. Something was lost from mankind. I know that there is far more to the short story than what I just said, but I have yet to read the whole story.

When I was looking at the Conrad section of the shelf I glanced at the Camus portion, but left it alone. One depressing writer at a time is enough.

I find it interesting that when a woman displays power it is seen as empowerment, but when a man seeks power it is a sign of insecurity. Of course, if man hadn't done all of the killing and destruction the peace that we have now would never have come into being. I think that someone once said that before there can be peace there must be war. Some people agree with this statement and some don't, but I do. I think that this nullifies any claims that I make for being a pacifist.

The New Yorker had an article about how the feminist movement is trying to shed some light on the fact that women can be just as brutal as men. There is a long history of women killers, but most of the information has been suppressed or overlooked until now. Two books have been published highlighting such groups as black widows and killer nannies. Equality across the board, even in malice, is being established. Women can kill too. Karla Faye Tucker is not alone. Enough with the soapbox. That's my little nugget of pop psychology for the day.

The background soundtrack as I compose this entry is the recently purchase Little Plastic Castle by Ani Difranco. I am going to refrain from reviewing it. I think that most people can make up their own mind about music they like and I am not here to persuade people about their choice in music. Taste in music is an almost religious topic for some people and I think that I might include myself within that group.

I have a three day weekend to look forward to this week. I requested next Monday off and my hope is that I will get some projects that I have been working on finished. Part of me would just like to shut down for the day. It would be nice to forget about everything for just a little while. I am sure that the machine that I call work will carry on without me.

My brother is home this weekend for his spring break. He is the last person that Brenda has yet to meet from my family. Brenda and I should be able to make an appearance sometime this Saturday.

Not much to say about work today. The day passed by without complaint so I really donít need to mention it. Anger has become boredom. Part of the day was spent writing the entry and paying bills. Books, music and a couple of phone calls are what get me through a day of work.

Some of the arguments in the above entry are unsound, but so am I at times.