Point of View

The last thing that I talked about here was the clouds on Friday. If I would have waited just a little bit longer I could have talked about the sunset because it was even better than the clouds. I have to drive due west in order to get to Brenda's place, so all that I could see was red sky before me. I am going to stick with the word red here. Feel free to insert crimson, magenta or whatever color you prefer. My description won't be able to describe it well enough.

On Saturday, Brenda and I went to see my brother and his girlfriend at my parent's place. This was the week of his spring break and he was going back to school today. I haven't really spoken much with my brother since Christmas. I never call him when he is at school and most of my information about him comes from my parents. So this was a little different for me.

Nothing really exciting happened. We just sat around and talked. He has joined the national guard in order to pay for the final year of his undergrad studies. He is hoping that they pay for most of his grad school tuition in the future.

One thing that he does know is that his next two summers belong to the national guard.

The military was never an option for me when I was in school. I guess I can understand my brother's point of view, but it would never have worked for me. The military will never get the chance to make me a killing machine for the government to use. Oh, well.

Brenda is still using what I might call emotional blackmail. I finally confronted her when she says things like:

"When are you going to stop using me for a free meal ticket?"

I am like what the fuck. Did I ask her to buy me food? Did I ask her to make me supper? Doesn't she eat the same food? Don't I say how appreciative of I am every thing that she does for me? Don't I tell her not to spoil me? Do I not tell her that she makes more money than me and I can only spend so much on her? Do I give her ultimatums about our relationship?

Jesus fucking Christ. Just let me breathe once in a while.

All of the above happened in a five minute span at the laudromat this morning. Things are much better now.

I just wish that she would see things more from my point of view. She only seems to be concerned about herself. Sure it is easy for her to have me move in with her. She does not have to break a lease or pay more for leaving early. She does not have to worry about moving furniture or storing it somewhere. She does not have to worry about driving further to work. Her surroundings remain the same. She was there first.

It felt good to get out what I wanted to say this morning. She usually does this right before we go to bed. During the day was much better for me.

Despite everything that I just said, I do still love her. We really needed to get this sorted out. She says that I always hestitate when it comes to talking. I told her that is because she starts to roll her eyes or looks away. She operates under a double standard where I can not win. The deck is stacked. She holds all of the cards. Feel free to use whatever cliche you most like to describe the scenario.

Yes, I can and will fight back. Even the woman that I am sleeping with on a regular basis will not rule my life. I have existed for nearly three decades without her. Yes, I want to be with her, but we need to revise some ground rules.

There is bound to be conflict between a man and woman. People do argue. Disagreements do happen. I am mature enough to realize these things. None of this is new to me. On the other hand I do not see love as a battlefield or any other bullshit phrase.

What else I know is that I am not perfect. I am human. I shit. I fart. I sneeze. I have nose hair. I have hair on my butt. I am not always happy. I get crabby. I am moody. There are things that I do not like and I will never like them.

Time for a breath here.

Shit. I lost the momentum that I had going there. Oh well.

The rest of the afternoon went much better. We went grocery shopping where I flirt with the blonde cashier girl or at least this is what I tell Brenda. For some reason we seem to get the same clerk every time that we go to the store. Brenda thinks that I have the hots for her, so I play it up a little just to annoy Brenda. Nothing happens people. I do not know this woman. I am just being silly. Although the blond woman was walking behind Brenda and I the other day and bumped into me.

Brenda's father came over this afternoon to visit. This is only the second time that I have spoken with him, but we seem to get along. Male bonding is not my strong suit and it takes time for me to get comfortable around someone.

Later in the day, Brenda's mom came over. Why would they come over at different times? The answer is that her parents are divorced. Yes, everyone can add that to the psychological profile.

I have tomorrow off and I am going to enjoy it. I plan on being both productive and get some reading in as well.