Morning Thoughts

Every morning during my commute I compose about two thirds of an entry for the day. My mind seems to be the most active at that time and I am free from distractions. No one is bothering me and I can think at will. Images come and go. Sentences get shaped and revised. Then I walk through the door and try to get as much of it as possible down on paper or on the screen as is the case at work.

Unfortunately most of the day is downhill from there.

I wouldn't say that I am depressed. What I would say is that I am frustrated if anything. Last night when I was at the airport, I just wanted to get on a plane and go somewhere. It didn't matter where I would go. I just needed to go. It was the thought of traveling that was so appealing to me. My life needs something to break the routine and a trip seems like a good solution.

Now this may sound cruel, but if I hadn't been seeing Brenda I could have been to California this year. With the amount of money that I spend on her, I could have bought a plane ticket with cash and had money leftover for spending while I was away. Do I blame her? No. I do not blame her.

I do however blame her in part for my recent illness. She definitely made it worse by not letting me get any sleep. Now that she is sick she had yesterday and today to sleep and get better. I did not have that luxury. Last night she had made some comment about how she went to work even though she was sick. This bothered me, because I knew that she was the one who told me to stay home. I really do love that double standard.

Brenda is an aggressive person which is okay to a degree, but she plays so that only she wins. A prime example is that most of her arguments are laden with emotion rather than logic. Very seldom does she see the other point of view.

I just wish that Brenda could see how much I truly do for her. I give her more than my time and my money. I give her me. Well, I had better stop before I sound as though I am whining. Besides why should I whine when the media and pop culture in general constantly scream the statement that men and women think differently. People eat this up of course and we have the books and programs to support this frenzy of questioning.

Now I know that I pick on Brenda and she certainly picks on me, but that doesn't mean that we don't love one another.

Last night Brenda commented that she thought that I would do the dishes. The thought hadn't really crossed my mind. This was the first night that I had alone in a while and I wanted to enjoy it. The dishes could and did wait until tomorrow.

Obviously there are still some issues about who is responsible for certain household chores. Garbage duty and dishes on occasion has been assigned to me. Little does Brenda remember that she criticized the way that I did dishes once and stopped me from doing them again. Yes, I seem to be her inept child trying to avoid his chores by doing them poorly.

Well, I guess that we can't be having sex all of the time.

Beth's flight was delayed last night due to stormy weather. While I waited for her to arrive, I paged through the local renting guide looking for something that Brenda and I could share. There are some good possibilities out there. Time will tell what we do.

Beth seems very unchanged to me. We still have our casual conversational style that is different when Brenda and I talk. Actually when Brenda talks, I listen.

I hear every word that Brenda says to me. I have the entire staff of Best Buy in my mind's eye. True, most of the faces have been provided by my imagination, but all of the names are there and they move about the store to recreate the story as Brenda tells it to me.

I know that I have described Brenda as being very animated when she talks and I still hold to that opinion. She has a certain energy about her when she starts to talk that draws me to her. Maybe I just feed off of her power trip that she rides when she talks about her job. Conversely I can mock this ego building by adding my own commentary to the story. For instance earlier this week she had to fire someone and I said well you ruined yet another person's life.

Brenda is slowly beginning to realize how fragile her job is at Best Buy. Over the past three months I have heard nothing, but a constant litany of the hiring and firing of people that goes on at the store. This is not just the poor souls at the bottom of the retail pyramid, but the somewhat deluded managerial staff as well. None of this surprised me, but it did seem to shock Brenda.

Woke up to rain once again this morning and a bed by myself. Brenda and Beth had stayed up last night after I went to sleep and did the girl talk thing. The paranoid part of me is sure that I was a topic of discussion, but with my temporary hearing loss I did not hear a word.

I found a note explaining why she slept on the couch and that I was to wake her when I woke up. Waking Brenda is not an easy task and I was unsuccessful this morning.

When I called Brenda this morning from work, Beth answered the phone. It seems that the two of them were recovering from a round of drinking last night after I went to sleep. I was told that they had serenaded me last night, but I have no memory of any singing. More than likely I did not hear them with my ear being plugged.

Brenda asked me if I remembered her crawling into bed last night to be with me. I remembered kissing her and noticed that she was feeling friendly, but I don't recall anything else happening.

Its hard for me to be angry with Brenda for any length of time. We might have our moments of disagreement, but we always make up.