Self Destruction

There are times when I start to wonder if I have brought my current circumstances upon myself. Would I have a job I liked if I had done things differently? Did I not delve deep enough into myself to find out what I really wanted from life? My response is does anyone really know. Yes, I am starting to sound like Lloyd Dobbler from the movie Say Anything which I watched part of Monday.

Perhaps I create my own stress. Its easy for me to play the role of the neurotic Jew. The only problem is that it isn't as funny when I do it. Jerry Seinfeld I am not. Maybe Richard Lewis would be a better example than Jerry. Then there was the time that I compared myself to Joel from Northern Exposure and that comparison seems to be the most accurate of the group to me.

I guess that I have always been a person who has to learn things the hard way. Who else would move a not quite divorced woman and her child into a new house, pay for everything and expect everything to be fine?

Brenda suggested that I take some more computer classes. The problem that I have with that solution is that very little of what I see offered appeals to me or I already know it. I have no desire to get another degree either, because I have neither the time nor the patience. Besides in my opinion people learn more on the job when it comes to computers.

On some television program the other day I heard a character mention that most people start to level out career wise at my age. The drive and ambition turns to other things like raising a family and so on. Of course I also remember reading somewhere else that some people don't really come into their career until their thirties. As with everything in life it all depends on who you want to believe.

All that I know is that I do not like my job and the only way that I can endure it is by letting most of what happens during the day roll off my back. Very little of what I do at work interests me and this unfortunately makes the day drag. I feel every minute that I am there. My free time at home however slips by before I know it. There never seems to be enough time to do the things that I want to do with my time.

What else I know is that some of life is simply being at the right place at the right time. Yes, I realize that I am full of cliches today and I apologize. They can be fun though. I can even remember reading an essay that was composed of nothing but cliches when I was in high school. This was meant to be a writing exercise.

On a positive note, I managed to do a small amount of reading last night. Before we went to sleep I read another short story by Karen Blixen.

I said that I would try to be more positive today and I am going to try and keep that promise. Well, the day did start off poorly, because I overslept. Brenda had gone to the bathroom at five this morning. The next thing that I knew it was quarter after seven in the morning, which is the time that I usually leave for work. I didn't let it bother me and I rolled into work about half an hour late. So I guess that in a round about way I was positive this morning.

I finally brought a plant with me to work today. Maybe I should transform my cube into a mini jungle. Yes, I will do anything to make the day go by faster. This might also count as my second positive thing that I did today.

Brenda has been working late the past two days so things have been kind of slow between us. She did however ask her landlord for her other parking space back. This way I can park without fear of being towed.

To give an idea of how little time I spend at my place now, I'll talk about the water. When I turned on the tap the other day, the water was yellowish brown. It looked very earthy and not at all healthy. After letting the water run for a few minutes, the water cleared and looked much better.

The rain has returned which doesn't surprise me, because spring means rain to me.

Yesterday I had started to make a chart of what I did and did not like about my job. Most of the positive aspects were not things that I could put on a resume. For example some of what I considered to be the strong points of my job included casual attire and the ability to work at my own pace. I doubt that this is what a prospective employer wants to hear from me. I guess that I could rephrase work at own pace to read self motivated. Its all a matter of semantics and whatever sounds pleasing to the ear.

I don't have any real complaints about work today. Things are the same and I doubt that they will ever change. Nick handled the problem from last week and said that Cal would go over the procedures. There were some revisions that needed to be made to the documentation. I felt that the meetings weren't worth my time this morning, so Nick relayed to me what had happened.

Work did put enough trust in me to do a demonstration for a visiting client today. This meant that I was the center of attention because I had done something right not wrong. It was a nice change of pace for me.

 

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