Something is Lacking

As I said the other day, there are times when I create my own stress, but there are external factors as well. Sometimes the stress comes from my job and other times it comes from Brenda. Even though I had the day off yesterday to look for another job, it was really the only weekend that I had, because I have so little time to myself. Most of my time is shared now which is hard for me.

Yes, I do love her and care about her, but there is still the issue of personal time. People need to be apart every so often. I have things that I want to do. It seems that I no longer have any fun. All of my fun seems to be shared fun or whatever she suggests.

Maintaining the facade that I like my job while I am looking for another one is also hard for me to do. Lying is not something that comes easily to me. I like to express what is on my mind.

Sunday night Brenda pissed me off. It was a combination of two things. The first thing that bothered me was that she surprised me by telling me that she had got another cat. My first response was why do we need another cat. The second response that came into my mind was why didn't she ask me before she went and got one. Doesn't my opinion matter? Do I not live here as well? Yes, I may not be on the lease, but she wants me to be on it in the near future.

When does what I want come into the picture? What about me?

My greatest fear is that I will move in with her and somewhere down the line she will change her mind about me and I will be kicked out and left to fend for myself again. Her flawed reasoning will be that she lived there first so technically it is her apartment. Yes, I am able to take care of myself, but why set myself up for a fall. As a precaution, I positively refuse to sell my furniture.

Some people might think that I am being paranoid, but I don't think so. To be honest, I have received a few cautionary emails in regards to Brenda and I.

The second thing that she did on Sunday was decide that it was a drinking day. I was in no mood to drink and I just wanted to play Riven for a while. Besides when her friend is over and they are drinking the topic of conversation turns to work. Who talks about work for three hours when they are home? Leave the job at the office. I did mange to slide in a comment about the fascist element of Best Buy and both of them responded with silence.

As an aside the announcement about the cat came out after a few beers, so she must have considered the possibly that I might not like the idea.

I want to know what kind of sacrifices she has made for me. Yes, she has bought me things, but does that mean she loves me? She could just have easily spent the money on herself.

Her response would be that she cooks for me. Yes, I agree with that statement, but she eats the meal as well and I do not ask her to cook for me. Then when she cooks too much and we end up throwing food away, I get blamed for it. Hunh? Two people can only eat so much food.

If I were a woman I could certainly say that money doesn't make me happy. A man could not shower me with gifts to prove that he loves me. I could turn him away. Or maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am being sexist and insecure.

So much has been on my mind lately and we never seem to talk. She assumes that I will go along with whatever she has planned. To paraphrase her father, I am not a yes man. There are times when I feel like I am one her staff at work instead of her boyfriend. I am not here to be ordered. Nor do I want to be transformed or changed. I like who I am.

Some women live for this transformation process. Its even in pop culture. On one of the few episodes of Ally McBeal that I have seen, two women are discussing the topic of the perfect man. One woman says to Ally that women spend all of their time looking for the perfect man and then spend the rest of their lives changing him. Ugh, what is wrong with these people?

Brenda has said that any problems that we have with money is purely in my head. She said that she does not care what amount of money that I make from my job.

However, she does seem to spend my money quite freely on things that I do not consider important. A prime example would be that she will not drink water from the tap. This might be from a fear of the cryptosporidium outbreak that happened a few years back or maybe it is just a personal preference. Either way it costs money that I did not spend before. We spend close to a hundred dollars a month on water. In her defense, she has thought about investing in a watercooler.

I still think that her cost of living needs to be brought under control.

There are times that I am very hard on Brenda and I try to be more understanding. She really does live for her job and I try to see this as a positive, but sometimes it becomes a negative when it consumes her and forms her personality. I see this as being unhealthy and it affects me as well. She has to be in perpetual movement which leaves very little time for things that I consider important such as reading and spending time on the computer. Any chance to do any artwork is impossible.

My computer which I value highly she still regards as either a toy. "Oh, Eric and his silly computer." Or she sees it as something to fear. "Why do you spend so much time on the computer and what do you when you are on it?"

A balance must be achieved. I really have to talk with her about these things before we go any further. I sincerely hope that she understands what I am trying to say. I feel bad hurting her, but I have to be happy as well. Never again will I let a woman's concerns come before my own. I made that mistake once with Tracy and it cost me dearly.

Oh, we are not getting a cat.

Last night she was so tired from working that she was asleep by ten. This was good, because she had to go to work at six this morning and it gave me some time to think.

While she was sleeping, I watched the Bette Davis film, Dark Victory, for the first time. It was strange, because of all of the other now famous actors in it were playing minor roles. Humphrey Bogart appeared as a horse trainer with a bad Irish accent and former president Ronald Reagan was an alcoholic in it.

Some of what I wrote here came out the way that I wanted it to sound, but as usual some of it got mangled with my prose. C'mon, Eric, be a man and stand up for yourself. The thing is that so much of this reminds me of the end between Tracy and I. There was no way that I could make Tracy understand. I hope that Brenda does understand how I feel.

I am not looking for a confrontation and I do not want to leave, but both of those are possibilities at the moment