You Go Girlfriend

I think that I am more confused than I was yesterday. First of all last night was not a good time to have a discussion, because once again something that happened to Brenda took precedence over everything else.

She is being transferred to another Best Buy store. Surprise.

Its not because she has done anything wrong. On the contrary, they are moving her to another store to help bring it up to speed with the rest of the stores. At first she was hurt that they were taking her current store away from her. Then the business aspect took over. It would look good that she was willing to move around the district and that she had revitalized a store by herself. Soon she developed a plan to track all of the changes that she makes while she is there and document how much better she made the store. Numbers are what matter in business. What was first seen as a slap in the face has become a personal challenge for her.

Once again this is all fine and well for her, but what about me. When does what I want come into the picture?

Last night she knew that I was upset. It started off with her friend from work coming home first and then became another night of shop talk and drinking. Since the topic was her move to the other store and how it would impact the current store, I decided to retreat to the computer generated world of Riven.

Yes, I will admit that I was hoping for a nap and then maybe some late afternoon sex, but that is certainly not what happened. Nevermind the fact that I got out of bed with Brenda at five in the morning, because she had to be in at work at six. She doesn't bother to acknowledge the fact that I went into work two hours earlier and hurried home to be with her and then she doesn't show.

Then as the night progressed various pleas were made for a second cat, but I will not relent. The alcohol augmented the requests and soon they were accompanied by long drawn out looks from Brenda. Then it was said by her that she always gets her way. Well, maybe not this time.

When her friend had left, she fell into a contemplative mood which was a change of pace for her. She said to me that she had a lot of things on her mind. The move was a big step for her and she needed to work through it by herself. Now this upset me even more. How come she can have time to herself, but I can not? Don't my problems matter? Or am I supposed to deal with it on my own time? I couldn't deal with it any more, so I went to sleep. She said that she would be in soon, but I knew that she would fall asleep on the couch.

She knew that I was angry with her when I got her off the couch at two in the morning. Yes, I still have problems sleeping in bed without her and I don't know why. She asked what was wrong, but I did not feel like having a discussion at that time of the night.

God, just listen to me whine. I sound like a neglected housewife, who isn't getting enough attention. The whole relationship is very one sided in my opinion. It all seems to revolve far more around what she wants and not what I might be concerned with in life. Then maybe I am just being a child, but she seems to be the spoiled one. Sigh.

Maybe I should just kick back and enjoy being a gigolo.

I did get some attention this morning, but I was still upset and she knew it. She said that she was very hurt that I was angry with her went I got her off the couch. She said that it was an accident that she fell asleep there and her neck hurt to prove it.

Tonight is supposed to be our time, but I know that she is working late and will probably not be home on time. Last night when she was late she said that I should have known that she is always late. However, if I am late, it is a different story. I really love that double standard.

What I would like to do tonight is get in some serious computer time. Its my last stronghold of what is truly me.

Some people might think that I am threatened by Brenda, because she has a better paying job than me. Well, they are wrong. I could care less. All that I want is someone who values me a little more than their job.

The New Yorker had an article about the rise of women managers in the workforce and how much more effective they are than men. This is fine by me, because like they said women approach management as more of a discussion format rather than giving orders like men are apt to do in a position of authority. Women with children make even better managers, because the nurturing element comes into play. The article went on to say that women can separate whatís important from what is not important. Women are better at sorting priorities and dealing with people. This is all fine and well, but what about my manager girlfriend, what level of priority have I been given?

My opinion on women managers is you go girlfriend. Its all yours, because I have no interest in ruling other people or having power. By the way feminists usually like to state that when a woman wants power it is seen as empowerment, but when a man wants power it is a sign of insecurity. The article did concede that there are a number of women in power who have just as many insecurities as men.

I have had five different women managers in my entire job history and they have certainly covered the emotional spectrum. One lied and manipulated, one insulted me, one threw fits and two of them trusted me. Of the five I would use only one of them as a reference.

My problem with Brenda is the higher she goes, the less human she seems to me. In the same issue of The New Yorker that had the article about women in management, Norman Mailer and his books were being discussed. He had an interesting viewpoint on women in today's society. Remember I am paraphrasing here. He said that where as men reluctantly adopted the traditional male uniform of shirt and tie, women do it with glee. They want to be automatons. They want to work for the machine. Man has always vaguely resented the whole system, but women seem to embrace it. I am sure that the feminists would argue that they are changing the system to be less hierarchical, but it has not happened yet and it may never happen. Sometimes women become just as aggressive as men in the workforce.

On a completely different note, the Art Institute of Chicago is having an exhibition dedicated to the work of Mary Cassatt. I would really like to go, because I missed the Renoir exhibit last year and the last exhibit that I saw was the Monet one three year ago.

When I mentioned the Cassatt exhibition to Brenda, I was met with a blank stare.

 


I should mention that the majority of this entry was written shortly after I got into work this morning. I am feeling much better now and work was fairly painless. Despite all of the complaining that I have done about it lately, I still like the people there.

With some luck, the entries should be more focused and closer to what they were when I started this project. The overt melodrama is starting to wear on me and I can barely stand to read what I have written. Hopefully that will change soon.

 

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