Woman I Can Hardly Express

Yesterday's entry may have been a little harsh, but I was upset at the time. A number of comments that she had made throughout the evening were really irritating me. An example would be that my computer time had been shortened, because the bike ride had taken longer than she planned. Now we need to take a moment here to review what really happened. On the return portion of the bike ride we stopped at her uncle's house and this was not planned or discussed ahead of time. So what started out as a shared activity became a visit to her family and my interests came in second. In my opinion that is not right. Of course if I say anything that means that I don't care about her family. According to her logic I am putting my interests in front of her family and I donít care about her feelings. This warped thinking is getting old. What really bothers me is that I know when I am being manipulated and I do not like it.

Later last night she had come in to see what I was writing on the computer and I closed the window. She was hurt of course and I felt some regret concerning what I had written. I do not mean to hurt her or cast her in an unfavorable light, but there are times when she truly annoys me and I need to vent.

The tone of this journal has changed since I started seeing Brenda. Gone are the days where I would lie on the couch or floor for hours listening to music or reading. Gone are the days where are would be up until two in the morning on the computer. Gone are the days when I would take out the garbage when I felt like doing it. Yes, things have changed in my life and I wonder if she realizes how much it has changed. What I really want to know is can she imagine what my life was like before we started seeing one another. Something tells me that the answer would be no. She would not want to imagine me being able to survive without her. That would mean that I didn't need her and it would be a blow to her self esteem. If she were a man it would be called her ego, but she is a woman so society calls it her self esteem.

Okay, I feel much better now that I have cleared all of that up. I guess that it comes down to the fact that Brenda and I disagree about many things, but we still manage to stay together. I also want to mention that last Thursday through Sunday was devoted to her family and I didn't even touch my computer during that time, so I felt that I had certainly done my part for her and it was time for me to do what I wanted to do.

Last night after I logged off and shutdown the computer, I was surprised to find Brenda watching a program about Star Wars, because she hates anything that has to do with science fiction. She then explained that it was a program about the top hundred films of all time sponsored by the American Film Institute.

I started watching when they had reached the final twenty and I agreed with most of the choices. Bridge on the River Kwai, Lawrence of Arabia, The Graduate, Schindler's List and Casablanca were all there. Of course, one of my personal favorites, Citizen Kane, was the number one film. While we were watching I kept asking Brenda if she had seen any of films. Sadly she hadn't seen very many of them, but I have copies of most of them so maybe I can change that fact.

We also saw that they are going to start showing Gone With the Wind in theaters again. Brenda asked me if I wanted to go and I said that I wouldnít mind. We will see what happens. I have a feeling that it might only be shown at the local art theater and not get released to the other more popular theaters, but I could be wrong. She thinks that it will be more wide spread like the recent showings of Star Wars.

God, it feels good to write again. This is far more than a bitch session for me. I am not here to slam Brenda or my job although it may happen from time to time. The reason that this happens is that I am human and can only take so much. Life is not divided into black and white. There are shades of gray everywhere. People have misunderstandings from time to time and feelings will get hurt. Hopefully things get better after these things happen and we can move forward having learned something valuable about the other person.

What I want to do is talk about my life and how I see the world. I want to ramble on about art, books, film and music. This journal makes me feel good, because it serves as my only creative outlet at the moment. The only sad part is that I am beginning to doubt that Brenda will ever see the importance of this to me, because she is not a creative person. Numbers and money are what make her go and the creative world holds very little interest for her. Why she loves me is a mystery to me.

By nature Brenda is a very competitive person which makes her involvement in retail very understandable. It is where she can excel. However, when this same attribute surfaces in our daily life it is less pleasant. A prime example would be our Scrabble and Yahtzee games, where she knows my score before I do. Poker is another very intense game for her and she has to play for money. She does not like to lose and she is very focused when she plays. Tom, her brother-in-law, agrees with me. He says that Linda her sister is the same way. Both of them have the same attitude as their mother. The cliche that the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree is very true here.

Not only have Brenda and I rode our bikes the past two nights, but we have started grilling. Cooking out eliminates some of the dishes and gets us outside more which we both enjoy. The grill is nothing fancy, but it doesn't matter. It still cooks the food and its fun to do.

To vent some of my frustration about work, I pushed myself on the bike after work. Since I was alone I could set my own pace and really see what I am capable of doing. It felt good.

 

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