Why I cared

One minute past the midnight hour.

I need some balance here. Its time that I started to mention what I did like about Brenda. It couldn't have been all bad the past eight months. I wanted to do this for so long, but I didn't know how to do it. Now it may not matter.

I miss being able to see how relaxed Brenda looked when I touched her.
I miss being able to see her lounge around in her pajamas at night.
I miss seeing her tongue stick out when she is concentrating on something.
I miss watching her open the presents that I bought her.
I miss hearing about her day.

All of these points seem to stress physical aspects of Brenda and little else which makes me seem shallow. Yes, I'll admit that the presents were lingerie most of the time, but she didn't seem to mind. Maybe she threw it all away now. How much emotional attachment does a woman give to her underwear?

I will also admit that I didn't always agree with what Brenda did for a living. I tend to side with the employee over management.

A woman friend of mine told me that I like to take care of women and that this is something that I look for in a girlfriend. Yes, I know that this may sound sexist, but it might be partly true. The last three women that I was involved with were in need of some attention when I met them. Some might say that this is bad for me. Someone called Dr. Laura (a radio personality who I have never heard directly, but is often quoted) says that this is a mistake that many men make when it comes to women. Maybe I should break the pattern.

Here is another relationship that has met its end.

Early in the evening and time for some irony.

Brenda always wanted me to have a job where I wore a shirt and tie. Now I do and she doesn't see me.
I now work down the road from where Brenda worked when we first started seeing one another.
Now Brenda works down the road where I used to work.
I now make as much money as Brenda and I work less hours than she does.

Coming home after work has taken on a completely different tone. Its much less confrontational than it was the past few weeks. Now I change out of my work clothes into something more comfortable and log on to read my mail. None of this takes very long and I have plenty of time to hear about someone's day. Its almost the same routine that I had a year ago.

No one is waiting for me when I walk through the door. There is no dinner on the table either. Its just me. I'm not sure if that is a such a bad thing right now, because my stress level has really gone down.

I wonder if a year from now, I'll get involved with another woman. The relationship will last close to a year. Then after it ends I get yet another job that improves my career.

I'm not sad today and I try not to be bitter. I'm just numb and tired of thinking about Brenda and me. Both of our lives will move forward.

Time to go lie down on my livingroom floor and read the lastest issue of The New Yorker as the moon shines through my window.

audio input at the moment: Crash - The Dave Matthews Band
written input at the moment: The New Yorker
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