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Same pattern

In some ways my life is going through the same pattern that it did two years ago after Tracy and I split apart. Then and now I felt bad about what had happened, but in an attempt to hurt me neither of the women spoke to me. When they did, all emotion was removed from the conversation. It must be something about keeping face. Never let him see you cry.

The last time that Brenda and I spoke, she said that I could keep the compact discs that she had bought for me, because she wouldn't listen to them anyway. Thanks, dear.

Tracy didn't seem to mind me being gone and moved on to someone else within two weeks. I have yet to see if Brenda repeats that part of the pattern.

On the surface, Brenda and Tracy were very much the same person. Both of them had parents who divorced when they were young and were raised by their mothers. Both of them had a miscarriage. Both of them smoked and liked to drink. Both of them liked to work in retail. Both of them said that I didn't like to have fun.

In an effort to stay positive and keep my thoughts off of Brenda, I try to be as busy as possible when I get home. Since I got home early, I went for my first bike ride in a long time. Brenda had lost interest in biking sometime ago. I on the other hand had to work my leisure activities around her schedule. If I wasn't paying attention to her, it meant that I didn't love her. I was being selfish.

The bike ride reinforced something that I already knew about myself. I am out of shape. Through all of the fast food, take out food and beer that I consumed with Brenda, I must have gained about ten pounds.

I have heard somewhere that some women do this so men can't complain about their wives having a small belly. Thankfully there is still some definition in my stomach, but I have to regain some tone on my sides.

Brenda expressed her love for me by cooking. I appreciated it. I just wished that she could have made smaller portion meals. She never made just enough for the two of us. Instead she cooked for a small family. Then later in the week, the leftovers would be thrown away. The amount of waste was incredible.

A family is what Brenda wants and I didn't really object except that it seemed to conflict with her aggressive business attitude. I wondered how she could possibly pursue a career and raise a child at the same time. Then again she has to have it all. Nothing will get in the way of what she wants.

My fear was that I would become the primary babysitter, while super mom went to work. If I would have objected, I would have been accused of being a bad father.

I also wondered how Brenda would relieve her stress without being able to smoke and drink while she would be pregnant. Now when she has a bad day she cracks open a brew and has a smoke. Ending this habit for nine months might be a little hard on her and being pregnant would not make her less high strung. Something told me that her stress would be vented on me.

Tracy wasn't super mom, but we couldn't afford her being home. Of course she did end up at home for different reasons and we all suffered for it.

Well, anyway all of that is in the past and I need to move forward with my life.

After the bike ride, I watered my bonsai and contemplated leaving it outside on my deck. A couple of fears kept me from doing this though. One fear is that it'll blow off. My other fear is that it'll get infested with bugs. So I guess that I'll keep it in the house for now.

In a somewhat daring move, I did my laundry tonight at the same laundromat that Brenda and I went to together. Of course Brenda hated doing laundry at night, so the odds of me seeing her there were low. Besides she was working late last night at Best Buy with the Titanic release.

Its still too early for me to really comment on work. I'm just the new kid trying to learn what is going on around me. Learning names and faces is a daily event for me.


audio input at the moment: Crash - The Dave Matthews Band
written input at the moment: I still don't feel like reading
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