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Looking back I would never have guessed a year ago that I would have met Brenda and gotten involved with her. A year ago she was just the roommate of a girl that I knew in college. So much has happened in the past year. Some of it has been accurately described here while other parts of it have been lost. Brenda didn't call me this week and that doesn't surprise me, because I know that she will never call me. I don't want to wallow in self pity much longer, but I have a few more things to say about Brenda before I move on to new things. Love for Brenda meant giving me ultimatums and I felt that this was wrong. Never again will I date someone who sees love this way. Compromise I can understand, but demands are out of the question for me in the future. The foremost demand was that I could only date her if I wanted to have children. Another ultimatum came later. She was to come first before my family. Brenda liked to be the center of attention and I called her princess when I first noticed this about her. She likes to project a certain image and will do anything to maintain that image. This behavior of having a public face was even stronger when she was around people that she worked with at Best Buy. There was a public Brenda and a private Brenda. She did not blur the lines. Before I was introduced to her friends from work, Brenda bought me a leather jacket. The coat that I was wearing was not acceptable to her. I could not be presented to her peers wearing something that she thought gave the wrong impression. I kept the leather jacket. Brenda didn't mention it when she was saying what I could take with me when I left. I don't mix business with pleasure either, but I like to think that I am the same person all of the time. People at work might hear me swear or see me sweat, but I hope that they don't think any less of me. I have flaws and I will admit that fact. Brenda took a different approach to people. Her being a manager affected her mind set. She took her job way too seriously and it bled into how she treated people. She saw herself above people and liked to control them. She could not control me or at least not anymore. Her sister often told me to just tell Brenda to shut the fuck up once in a while, but that is not me. I usually just sat there and shook my head. Her arguments lacked reason and left me very little room to respond. I felt as though her mind was made up before she started to talk to me. I even remember Brenda saying that she couldn't wait for our first argument. Is this something that other couples look forward to when they are together? Brenda once stopped dating a guy because he didn't like Great America. The word shallow comes into my mind at this point. Another former boyfriend of three years was abandoned when Brenda could not stand his brother's girlfriend. None of this made any sense to me. To me it all seemed like signs of insecurity. I wonder what excuse Brenda will give for not seeing me? Maybe there is someone out there who will be able tolerate her attutude. Yes, I said attitude. Brenda often said that I had an attitude, but this only happened when I did not agree with her. Her brother-in-law said that Brenda, her sister and their mother all had the same personality. All three of them had to have things their way. If they didn't, then the shouting started. The brother-in-law has to be one of the most laid back people that I have met in a while. Of course he does like to smoke pot and that might help him be able to deal with the three of them. Brenda never really seemed to care about what I was interested in doing. She said that she wanted to learn new things from me, but that got forgotten somewhere along the way. The emotional connection seemed to get weaker the longer we were together. I kept wondering what she would object to about me next. I wanted her to lighten up and relax, because she was one of the most high strung people that I have ever known. The tension started to affect me. Her job ruled her life and made her a shallow person in my eyes. I just need to walk away from it all and try to remember the good parts.
audio input at the moment: Strangeways Here We Come - The Smiths
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