|
From love to something else My trust in Brenda is slowly becoming anger. Last night I made the mistake of calling her and most of the conversation was question and answer. I was asking the questions and Brenda would reply with one word answers. It felt as though I were wasting her time and mine. Suddenly I have become a telemarketer to her. Her friend Laura was over and they were watching MTV and I thought that this was strange. Brenda hates MTV, so it must have been Laura's idea to watch. I think that the MTV music awards might have been on, but I can't be sure since I don't have cable at my place. Since Laura was there, Brenda could not talk or was making gestures to Laura that I was on the phone. I can't be sure. From experience I have learned that Brenda has to maintain a certain image in front of people. She would deny this of course even though it is true. For her showing any real emotion is a sign of weakness. None of this does much for my self esteem, so I doubt that I will call again. It seems that Brenda has returned to her old life as though nothing ever happened between us. I remember her telling me once about the state trooper that she had dated shortly before me. He had made some kind of mistake in her eyes and that was the end of him. There are no secomd chances with Brenda. She might see this behavior as being strong willed, but I see it as being childish. Brenda said that she would call me next week and I have to wonder if that was a lie. I have no desire to play mind games with her. I feel like being shallow for a moment. On the material front I did walk away with a number of things from Brenda. The following list is what comes to mind.
I now have two weeks of experience at my new job. The learning curve has been steep, but I knew that it would be that way and I don't mind. The job keeps my mind occupied during the day. When a lull comes over me, my mind starts to wander to thoughts of Brenda and me. I managed to get out of the house for a few hours this evening. That old feeling that I have to do something on a Friday night has resurfaced. Once I switch back to third shift, Friday night will mean nothing to me again. I saw an iMac firsthand tonight and then I wandered through a bookstore for about an hour. I'll probably return to the bookstore next week when I get paid. I have plenty of time to read now. Tomorrow I'll be out of town for a wedding. My downstairs neighbors invited me to their wedding and I really couldn't refuse. As for any expectations about tomorrow, I'm not sure what to expect. Weddings in general hold very little interest for me. There are just too many cliches. At the moment, I doubt that I could tolerate my own wedding, if that ever happens. I think that I would much rather have a civil ceremony before a government official than a church function. One has to remember that all of this is coming from someone who seems to get attached to divorced women.
audio input at the moment: All for nothing - The Replacements
|