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Eight months equals two weeks I know that a year from now, the concept of Brenda and I will be just a memory. I wish that it wouldn't be that way, but it is slowly becoming reality. Being with her taught me some things about myself and I don't regret any of our time together. I neglected to mention that I got my car washed last week. Its a simple pleasure, but my car really needed it. Brenda had left her footprints on the inside of my windshield. She said that she did this to prevent me from picking up other women. It was also a way to remind me of her. Well, now since I don't want to be reminded of her the footprints had to go. The distance between us grows ever wider. I have to get on the road for the wedding. I might be back tonight or I might not. The last wedding I attended, I left after two hours at the reception. I just didn't want to be there. 6:45 pm I just couldn't stay for the reception. Mark and Vickie are nice people and they were surprised that I came to the wedding, but I felt that the reception would have been too awkward for me. A night of alcohol with complete strangers doesn't appeal to me anymore. Some might say that I may have missed my next girlfriend, but I could care less. The ceremony itself was nice. The couple looked happy, but as I sat there and scanned the crowd I started to wonder what I was going to do for the rest of the afternoon. Obviously I didn't know anyone else besides the wedding couple. So I would be forced to make small talk for hours and maybe tell my life story a few times. None of this sounded pleasant, so I decided to leave. Trying to be happy for the night would have been too much for me. The amount of time and money that goes into wedding always amazes me. No wonder they spend the rest of the day drinking. Enough about the wedding. It bothers me that I feel bad about being at my place now. Whenever I am here, I feel as though I have been forced here, because I did something wrong. Its almost as though living with Brenda made me weak or she made me less independent. Up until two weeks ago, she would have something planned for us. She had to be doing something in order to be happy. Once in a while she would be lazy and relax around the house, but not that often. If I think about it some more, she had the rest of our lives planned. We were going to have two children and she already had the names picked out. I know that some women think about this for years, but Brenda was certain about what she wanted. When she does have children, I wonder if reality will match her fantasy. I keep telling myself that I managed to live by myself for over a year before I met Brenda. I know that I can do things by myself. It will just take some getting used to again. Its not as though I am fifteen, eighteen or even twenty-one years old. I know that my life will go on without her. Part of me also knows that maybe there does exist a woman that will love me until I die. I just can't spend my time waiting for that woman to come along. I'm not sure where my life is going anymore. I'll probably stay here for a while. Mark and Vickie offered me a six month lease instead of a year lease starting in November. I might just take the six month option. By that time I'll have been at my job long enough to be able to afford to move somewhere else. Being here makes me think of Brenda even though in the eight months that we were together she was here only three times. I could always take the vacation to California that I mentioned back in February. Brenda didn't want me to go and I didn't. My only problem now is that I lost my friend's telephone number out there. One way to look at my current situation is that my life is my own again and that my decisions only affect me. I am no longer part of a couple. There is no more compromise.
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