|
Nothing lasts The following entry was pieced together from fragments that I had written late Friday night and early Saturday morning. Insert about five hours of sleep and one Tennessee Williams play then continue writing more frgaments late Saturday night into Sunday morning. I have given up trying to make it any more coherent. I'm not sure when it was that I last heard from Brenda. I'm also not sure whether or not I care anymore. From what I can see there is very little response on her part and calling her just makes me look like an idiot. Whatever I might have felt about her is gone. Its all gone. Part of me is still sad that she never quite understood what I was trying to tell her, but it isn't going to happen. In her mind I hurt her and just used her for sex. Its her way of making herself feel better by making me the one at fault. I wronged her and now I must pay the price is what she would say. There are memories of the two of us, but I do not want to live on memories. I am curious to see who the next man in her life will be, but something tells me that it will be a while before it happens. At the moment she is too busy pouring all of her energy into her job. I could build her up in my mind or bring her tumbling down, but none of that matters anymore. She is a part of my past and probably no longer a part of my future. My nightly commute reminds me of when I drove to see Tracy. Three hour trips from Milwaukee to Eau Claire in the middle of the night were part of my life three winters ago. Once again I am in my metal and plastic bubble crossing the earth under the cold stars wondering if a deer lies ahead. Work still has those moments when I feel like an idiot. I had hoped that those would happen less often, but I am still learning things. These feelngs of confusion compounded with my status as the remote outpost person in the department does put a slight strain on me. Saturday nights are a nice way to end my work week. My counterpart from the first half of the week is gone and I am left alone for longer periods of time. Its a countdown night for me and as each hour passes, I feel a little more relaxed. Now if I could read a book it would be even better. At my last third shift computer job I read quite often, but they frown upon that where I am now. I have to confess that I had never read the play The Glass Menagerie before this week. Actually I have yet to read the play I just read a description of the plot a few days ago. My limited knowledge didn't hamper my having a good time at the play. Maybe it might have enhanced it for me. The funny part is that its been a year since I last saw one and that was when I was in Omaha. A girlfriend fell in between the acts so to speak. Living alone has its advantages. For instance when I wake up I don't have to be coherent. No one is there waiting to talk with me and now that I am on third shift, my old habit of sleeping whenever I feel like it has surfaced. For example when I get home, I don't go to sleep right away. I usually stay awake until noon. Then I try to sleep until six in the evening, because this way I still have time to do things before I go to work. I'm not sure how this would work with another person living with me. Plus I change it from time to time.
audio input at the moment: Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet
|