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a band of copper Last night my body let me know that something was wrong with me. It let me know by having me oversleep. Actually I slept for nearly twelve hours and I didn't even realize it. I know that my alarm was set, but I never heard it. Maybe I incorporated it into my dreams, but I don't remember. What I do know is that when I woke up I felt the best that I have since my birthday. I felt fully energized and alive. Once again for most of the week nothing seemed to appeal to me. My job has become a dull routine. The novelty and freshness has worn off. Its as though I seem to lose interest in something after three months. Perhaps some of this comes from being in school too long. Back then each semester was a whole new world to explore. Every three months or so my surroundings would change. My schedule would be completely different than it was a few months ago. There would be new challenges and new people in my life. It was as though my life were a glass snowball that get would shaken every so often and I would be in the middle as things swirled around me. Now I have calm and stability. I have a job that I go to five days a week. I come home and eat and then do it all over again the next day. The monotony is slowly killing me. I just don't know how some people can settle for so little. If I would have stayed with Brenda I could have started a family, but I didn't. In some ways it is the next logical step in my life, but it didn't happen. I just couldn't see spending the rest of my life with her. Something didn't seem right to me. The saddest part is that I get a stronger sense of intimacy from some of the journals that I read than I did from Brenda. She was never one to talk much about herself or what she was feeling. Her focus was her job and wanting to have a baby. Maybe I asked too much from her, but I don't think so. She always said that she didn't know how to make me happy and I guess that might be why we aren't together anymore. Of course if you would talk to her she would say that I never talked to her. She would say that I just sat there. It just seemed to me that what I had to say wasn't that important to her. She saw me as hating the world and I was fighting against everything all of the time. I guess the best answer would be the trite saying that we wanted different things from life. To me that simple phrase sounds so meaningless. Then I start to wonder what I could do that would make my life better short of starting over from the bottom up. My outburst the other day was a clear sign that I am not as happy as I could be and I want that to change. I'll be the first to admit that every so often I just lose it for a moment or two. Its as though all of the little things that have been bothering me build and build until they release in a volcanic explosion of energy. My trip to California in January may not give me anymore answers about what I want to do next with my life, but at least I'll be in a new place for awhile and I'll be able to see my life here from a new perspective when I return. Then again maybe I am deluding myself.
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