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one big sigh Despite the nice weather today, my mood still hasn't improved. I can't believe that I am this depressed about being back in Wisconsin. I know that I built the trip up in my mind, but my life here can't have been that dull before I left. I need to make some more plans for the year to make me happy and another trip is sounding like a good solution at the moment. Actually if I could take a year off and just wander across the country or even Europe I think that would satisfy my travel cravings. Unfortunately I can not make that a reality. My financial status just isn't that strong and I don't have the guts to just chuck everyting that I have accomplished to be a drifter for a year. Maybe if I was younger and just out of collge I could do it, but I'm too far along a career path to just walk away from everything. I can't believe that I consider myself on a career path, but I do like to think that I have one. At least that would explain what I have been doing with the last three years of my life in the electronic file transfer business. Part of me is really proud that I did make it out of Wisconsin. It had been so long since I had left the state. The most that I did last year was cross the state line once to go to an amusement park for the day. Now before I lose my momentum I think that I want to make two more trips this year. I'll go back to California again and then maybe head east. Europe or Australia will have to wait until next year. I'm not sure that I am really a chuck it all away on a whim type of person. I am too cautious and I keep building my little corner of the world here. Dan feels that my buying more furniture is a sure way to start weighing me down. It seem strange that over a year ago I was somewhat seriously contemplating buying a house. Now I'm not so sure what I want to do next. Work has been less than stimulating for some time now. The learning curve leveled off weeks ago and the job has become a routine for me. I either need to start asking more questions or maybe start looking around for a different job in my spare time. Another year of what I am doing and I'll be a zombie. I already do most of my job on autopilot. I don't want to spend all of my time either complaining or walking around in a daze from lack of interest. I amaze myself at being able to stay at a job that only involves about ten percent of my mental ability. I know that I have said it before, but I will say it again. Going to California was something that I definitely needed to do. It put some life back into me. I need to see and do more things to keep me alive. I don't want the world to move around me. I want to move around the world. I want to make the transition from passive to active and not go insane in the process. I really don't think that I am meant to have a normal nine to five job. Maybe this explains why I am drawn to jobs where I am the prototype. Most of the jobs I get are newly created positions that grow around me and what I can do. The problem is that nothing seems to hold my interest for very long and I get bored in the end. I guess that is part of the appeal of creative people and what they do. They are ever changing and this is evident in the world around them. Routines get destroyed and things happen. Maybe I should try to find a creative job instead of what I have been doing in the past. Maybe it all comes back to what Dan and I were discussing about landmarks in life. What does a person strive for after college? Is marriage and raising a family the only goal? Is trying to make as much money as possible the only other goal? I suppose life has as much structure as you impose upon it. Suddenly I sound as though I am lost once again. A better way to look at it is that I am at some kind of crossroads in my life. I need to start making decisions about what I really want from life. Rick and I were also discussing the possibilities of life. Years ago when he still lived in Wisconsin he had been involved with a woman who had no intentions of ever leaving the state. People continually told him that she would never leave, but Rick thought that maybe he could change her mind. He found out that he was wrong. Years later he ended up marrying a woman from California and will probably never move back to Wisconsin. Part of me believes that this is what made me leave Brenda among other things. As selfish as it may sound, I wasn't ready to settle down in Wisconsin. It all seemed too easy. After all of this rambling I'm not sure if I came up with any answers. Oh, it is easy to say that I want a creative job where I can travel, but what does that mean? Am I destined for a stint with National Geographic? It all sounds like a small boy's dream, but maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to make a dream a reality.
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