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hemingway rollins springsteen Thankfully the sullen mood from a Tuesday lifts after a night of work. The brief amount of productivity brings me back to a less moody reality. Once again I have a set of guidelines to follow. There is something that I should be doing rather than floating around inside my head for hours. The questioning and pondering has to stop for a moment. There are days when I wonder if I come across as being nineteen or someone in their early twenties. I begin to wonder if I am representative of my age. I also have to wonder if I have reached a certain level of maturity. Even though I'll be thirty in less than six months, I am far from settling down with the concepts of marriage and fatherhood far from my mind. I can't really judge how much I have changed since I was that age. I didn't keep a journal then and I regret it. One would hope that my thinking has changed since I was in my early twenties, but it would still have been nice to have a record of what I was doing then. I know that I was still in the midst of my college career, but that doesn't give me all of the details that I could have had in a written form. Now all that I have are my memories which are filtered through time. Some might see me as being immature, but I don't care. I live my life as I see fit and I hope that I make the right decisions for me. There will be times when I won't follow the rules of society. Oh, I don't mean that I walk around trying to cultivate some extravagant image of rebellion, but I try to be me which I like to see as being unique. Maybe I am wrong. What I do know is that my life isn't fixed. There isn't an established framework for the future. Things change on an almost daily basis for me and I try to keep my life as fluid as possible. I still have what some might call adolescent fantasies of living abroad for years at a time like Hemingway did. Then there are times that I want to be Henry Rollins and form my own company to publish my journals as I travel the world. Other times I want to be Bruce Springsteen and create small worlds within a song, but in the end I am me, which really isn't that bad either. Those people are in me to some degree and I put my own spin of what they did in my silly quest for fame and glory. Now that I put that into words it sounds silly. I'm not searching for fame and glory, I just want to be creative somehow. I want to express myself in some way and maybe reach a person or two in the process. The three people that I mentioned all achieved something at much earlier points in their life than where I am now, but maybe it isn't too late to start.
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