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so much more One would think that after writing this journal for close to two years that I would be happy with the end result, but most of the time I disappoint myself. So many details get lost and never make it to the electronic page and I want that to change. I don't like the way a day boils down into one or maybe two key events. I used to think that I was being economical with my words, but it just doesn't seem right anymore. Oh, what I write is still very close to what happens to me, but it is far from complete. A good example would be the entry from yesterday, because far more happened to me than a comment on my hair. Too often I feel as though the journal becomes a simple writing exercise and that makes me sad. When I was in high school we were given a topic and had ten minutes to write an essay about it. We would do this at least once a week. Sometimes the end result made sense, while other times it was complete nonsense. I suppose it might have made me think a little faster, but at the same time it was just as easy to come up with a formula and fill in the blanks. The topic didn't matter anymore. Within minutes I could crank out an essay that looked impressive on the page, but said nothing. So I hope to write with a little more attention to detail and maybe some more emotional content. Time will see if I succeed. I had just set my laundry basket down on top of the machine, when I heard a woman's voice say my name. The voice belonged to Brenda. Now it really shouldn't have surprised me that much to see her there. It was the same laundromat where we did laundry when we lived together last year. Sooner or later we were bound to run into one another there. I had made my paranoid survey of the lot when I pulled in and didn't see her car. Then after talking with her I found out that she had bought a new one. She still had the same plates, but I wasn't looking that close at the cars. The Cavalier had been replaced with a Mustang. Suddenly here was the woman who the focus of so much of my life last year. Many an emotional entry was devoted to her and what had happened between us that day. Some of it was good and some of it was bad. We were the proverbial fire and ice, but not really in a good way. She wanted me to be something that I wasn't and I don't regret leaving. I like who I am now and I doubt that if we had stayed together I would have made it to California or Canada this year. I also doubt that I would have kept the job that I have now. Brenda did not like the idea of me working third shift. Up until this afternoon I had thought that we would never see one another again. I can not deny that she is an attractive and bright woman, but a life with her would have been very hard. We agreed on very little when we were together and our visions of the future were almost in complete opposiion to one another. It surprises me that we lasted as long as we did. A small part of me expected to hear that she might be pregnant. Having a baby was a weekly topic when we were together. Sometimes it was a daily one. More than anything she wanted to have a baby, which bothered me slightly. Her reasons for having one were all wrong and in direct contradiction to her career, which was the center of her life. All of these crazy thoughts sped through my mind as we talked and caught up on what each of us had done over the past year. It was a friendly tone with nothing too personal being said. We discussed our families and what was new with them and then narrowed it down to the two of us. I told her about California and Canada and she said that she went to Florida to see the Disney stuff and would be going to Mexico in October. She had gotten out of the store that she hated and now is driving even further from where she lives to the Racine store. I guess for a time she had taken a special project that kept her traveling most of the time, but grew tired of it. Now her hours are from six to four Monday through Friday, which is rather unusual for retail. In some ways, it was as though I had just talked with her last week. All of her mannerisms were as I remembered them. She is still the same person, not that I expected some dramatic change to happen. Throughout the entire conversation neither of us asked if we were seeing anyone. It didn't seem important. Although she did say we when she spoke about being in Florida, but I didn't pursue it. Her privacy is her business. I have no malice toward her. She can be a wonderful loving woman, but quite simply she is not the one for me. Maybe she found that person and just didn't want to tell me. No. I think she would have mentioned someone that important, but I could be wrong. Hmm. Here I am a year later and she can still cause a flood of emotions in me within the space of an afternoon. Brenda was just finishing up with her laundry, so I had time to let all of the memories wash over me. I stepped outside the laundromat to sit on a bench and read the book that I had brought with me, but I couldn't do it. It was too hard to focus on the words, when so many other thoughts were going through my head. Then as I sat there a pair of giggling teenage girls walked in front of me. One of them said hi to me and I said hello back. Before Brenda left she mentioned that she still had my canvas coat from J. Crew that I had forgotten at her place. She had it tucked away in a closet and found it when she was doing some cleaning. I said that I would stop over after I was done with my laundry and get it. Standing in her apartment felt strange to me. She had told me on the phone that she had redecorated, but it was the first time that I had seen it for myself. Non-descript pictures and knick knacks hung on the walls. It was very her. After I had my coat in hand I left. There was very little else to say and she was off to the grocery store. She hasn't changed at all. Laundry first and then the groceries. Brenda hated my green coat and certainly left me know that she did. I, however, have fond memories associated with it. I wore it when Darcy and I spent the day at her family's cabin in northern Wisconsin. It was then that I told her I was going to get into computers and abandon anything in the field of art. She thought the coat suited me, but wasn't too sure about the decision to go into computers. She didn't think that I would be happy. Then months later, I was wearing that coat when I first saw Tracy by the bonfire. When I got back from the laundromat, I got the grill going for the chicken that I had set out to thaw in the morning. Once the grill was started, I threw the Chemical Brothers into the cd player and proceeded to leaf through the premiere issue of talk magazine that had arrived while I was out. The emotional whirlwind of seeing Brenda was dying down. The remainder of the evening was divided between the computer and the television until I had had enough of both of them. I switched them off, grabbed my book and went to read on the couch. There were less than twenty pages left.
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